16DPO=BF.....

BFN. Ugh. I'm so over this cycle. I stopped the progesterone suppositories today so AF should be here in a few days. I don't think I'm going to take the progesterone suppositories next cycle. My cycles are already longer than the "average" or "normal" cycle and taking the progesterone just makes it longer. When I do get my next BFP I'll start progesterone ASAP. I am hopeful but depressed about this long TTC road S and I have been on. I am hopeful that we got pregnant once we WILL get pregnant again. I am hopeful that our M/C was just a fluke and we will not suffer another one. I don't like the feeling TTC has given me. It's like a bad bad taste in my mouth that won't go away. I know that TTC has definitely made S and I closer. I know we are more patient with one another. We have rearranged our priorities in life and we know what we want. We are ready to be parents. I know that we will never ever take our child or being a parent for granted. It is something that we will cherish every second of every day.

S is so great. At 14DPO I got a BFN and I was depressed all day. When he got home from work that afternoon I was still in my PJ's. I crawled back in bed and covered myself up with all the sheets and blankets on the bed. S uncovered my head and kissed me. He said that it would be okay. You know, sometimes that is all you need to hear. I confessed to him that I have been feeling like all of this is my "fault". I know I'm not intentionally causing our difficulties with TTC but the "problem" lies with me. I told him that he would wind up resenting me one day if we never had a child. S looked at me so lovingly and said that if we never had a child he would be happy with me and our life together. He said that he married me for me not because I could give him a child. He said that he has loved me since we were 16 years old when we dated in high school and that he would always love me. He said that if we never had a child that would not make him love me any less and that if we had a dozen children that would not make him love me any more. He loves me for me. You know, in a big way that makes me feel so much better. I know he loves me, unconditionally, always. But in another way it makes me feel so much worse. He is a great man and I know he would be a great father and I may never be able to give him that. Ugh. It just sucks. That's all there is to it. It sucks. But at least I'm lucky enough to go through this with S. Someone who understands me, understands how this feels, and loves me for me.