slow down...speed bump ahead

It's been a long time since I have blogged about our journey to parenthood. Where are we at in our journey? We are at a speed bump, we had to slow down for a bit. We both were getting really stressed out with all of the TTC stuff. We also never really grieved and healed from the pain of losing Jellybean. So for right now, S and I are taking time for ourselves. I've been pampering myself - taking bubble baths, giving myself manicures and pedicures, buying new bras and clothes. It's been nice. We make love when we want to. Yes, I said make love, not BDing but making love. We are not trying right now but we aren't preventing it. If it happens it happens. We have an appointment with the specialist in January so for now we are just relaxing and going with the flow. I'm going to try to update more, get more of my feelings about TTC and TAB and my M/C out in the open instead of shoving them deep down inside of myself and letting them fester until I have a nervous breakdown. That's what point I was at when we decided to take a break. So for now, my thinking is "Que Sera sera, whatever will be will be"...until we go to the specialist, then I can obsess about TTC again :p

Life can be

Life can be cruel and unfair. We may encounter twists and turns and bumps in the road as we travel down the road that is our life. We can't stop though. We have to keep living. Things may happen to us that are so painful it feels like the air has been punched out of us. Those things, the pain and hurt, can be made worse by the people in our lives. People that don't understand what we are going through, the pain we have felt. These people may misconstrue the emotions we express. Maybe it's because they don't understand that they feel the need to label or explain our feelings and actions. Oftentimes, those labels and explanations will not be our true feelings and intentions. All of this can make the pain and hurt we feel worse. Sometimes all you need to hear is "everything is going to be okay" or "I love you" or "I'm here if you ever need to talk".

TTC emotions can be easily misunderstood

It's hard dealing with infertility, especially when no one in your real life understands what you are going through. Some people take the feelings and pain associated with IF and turn it into something ugly and crude. It puts an ugly face on an already difficult situation. I was told recently that I was "jealous, bitter, and full of hate". I am not jealous of pregnant women or people who have children. I am not bitter towards those people. I am not full of hate towards anyone. Those three things do not describe me. If I decide not to go to a baby shower or put myself in a situation where I will be around pregnant women or babies, I do that as kind of a self preservation. Some things bring too many painful feelings and memories to the surface. I don't think I should be blamed or be labeled as bitter and full of hate because i choose to not put myself in those situations. I am none of the things that I was recently called. The only feelings I have when around pregnant women or babies are feelings of failure and sadness. It reminds me of what S and I tried for for so very long. What we had for a brief moment. What we lost. What we may never have again. The "problem" lies with me so I do blame myself. It hurts. It sucks. It is made worse by insensitive people who do not truly understand mine and S's situation and our feelings about all of this. I have a lot more to say about this. This is a very big issue with TTC couples. It adds more pain, hurt, and confusion to an already hard situation that many do not understand.

Scripture

Jeremiah 29:11

16DPO=BF.....

BFN. Ugh. I'm so over this cycle. I stopped the progesterone suppositories today so AF should be here in a few days. I don't think I'm going to take the progesterone suppositories next cycle. My cycles are already longer than the "average" or "normal" cycle and taking the progesterone just makes it longer. When I do get my next BFP I'll start progesterone ASAP. I am hopeful but depressed about this long TTC road S and I have been on. I am hopeful that we got pregnant once we WILL get pregnant again. I am hopeful that our M/C was just a fluke and we will not suffer another one. I don't like the feeling TTC has given me. It's like a bad bad taste in my mouth that won't go away. I know that TTC has definitely made S and I closer. I know we are more patient with one another. We have rearranged our priorities in life and we know what we want. We are ready to be parents. I know that we will never ever take our child or being a parent for granted. It is something that we will cherish every second of every day.

S is so great. At 14DPO I got a BFN and I was depressed all day. When he got home from work that afternoon I was still in my PJ's. I crawled back in bed and covered myself up with all the sheets and blankets on the bed. S uncovered my head and kissed me. He said that it would be okay. You know, sometimes that is all you need to hear. I confessed to him that I have been feeling like all of this is my "fault". I know I'm not intentionally causing our difficulties with TTC but the "problem" lies with me. I told him that he would wind up resenting me one day if we never had a child. S looked at me so lovingly and said that if we never had a child he would be happy with me and our life together. He said that he married me for me not because I could give him a child. He said that he has loved me since we were 16 years old when we dated in high school and that he would always love me. He said that if we never had a child that would not make him love me any less and that if we had a dozen children that would not make him love me any more. He loves me for me. You know, in a big way that makes me feel so much better. I know he loves me, unconditionally, always. But in another way it makes me feel so much worse. He is a great man and I know he would be a great father and I may never be able to give him that. Ugh. It just sucks. That's all there is to it. It sucks. But at least I'm lucky enough to go through this with S. Someone who understands me, understands how this feels, and loves me for me.

14DPO

14DPO=BFN. I'm so sick of this. It hurts.

you want to pee on what?

S is so great. Friday night we went out to eat and on the way home I told him I needed to stop by CVS and pick something up. He waited in the car because I told him it would only take a minute. When I got back out to the car he asked what I had bought. It was HPTs. I told him that the ones I had just bought were the "good" ones and that I had cheap ones at home to satisfy my urge to pee on a stick. He thought that was funny so he said "well, if you run out of tests am I going to find you out in the yard peeing on sticks and twigs? Are you going to pee on one and say 'nope, that one didn't change colors'". Okay, it was funnier in the moment, I guess it was one of those you had to be there things. We laughed forever though. It was nice.

Saturday morning S woke up before me. I woke up shortly after and took my whoha pill. I'm supposed to lie down for 30 minutes after taking them. So after I got back in bed I got really thirsty. We just got iPhones this past week so instead of yelling for S I texted him. A few minutes later he came in the bedroom and I asked him if he would get me a glass of water. He looked kind of weird when he came back with the water and that is when he told me that when he got the text he thought I had taken one of the HPTs I had bought the night before. I felt horrible. I should have just yelled for him.