14DPO

14DPO=BFN. I'm so sick of this. It hurts.

you want to pee on what?

S is so great. Friday night we went out to eat and on the way home I told him I needed to stop by CVS and pick something up. He waited in the car because I told him it would only take a minute. When I got back out to the car he asked what I had bought. It was HPTs. I told him that the ones I had just bought were the "good" ones and that I had cheap ones at home to satisfy my urge to pee on a stick. He thought that was funny so he said "well, if you run out of tests am I going to find you out in the yard peeing on sticks and twigs? Are you going to pee on one and say 'nope, that one didn't change colors'". Okay, it was funnier in the moment, I guess it was one of those you had to be there things. We laughed forever though. It was nice.

Saturday morning S woke up before me. I woke up shortly after and took my whoha pill. I'm supposed to lie down for 30 minutes after taking them. So after I got back in bed I got really thirsty. We just got iPhones this past week so instead of yelling for S I texted him. A few minutes later he came in the bedroom and I asked him if he would get me a glass of water. He looked kind of weird when he came back with the water and that is when he told me that when he got the text he thought I had taken one of the HPTs I had bought the night before. I felt horrible. I should have just yelled for him.

giraffe statues and iPhone cycle apps

A few weeks ago I had posted about 2 giraffe statues I found at a flea market that I really wanted to get. Well, S and I drove an hour to the flea market that afternoon and the giraffes were gone. We had been there about 4-5 days before that. Since then I have been looking everywhere for giraffe statues. I finally found 2 at Burke's Outlet yesterday. They are not wood like the ones from the flea market, they are leather. They are not as tall as the ones from the flea market, one is about 2 1/2 feet and the other is about 1 1/2 feet. However, all in all, I am very happy with my giraffe statues!

S and I got iPhones yesterday. Yeah, we are a little bit late but we are catching up! I love my iPhone. There is so much to do on it. I am an organizational freak and the iPhone caters to this obsessiveness over organization that I have. I currently have 5 different cycle/ovulation/fertility apps on my phone. They were all free too! I am trying all 5 out and then I will decide maybe on my favorite top 2. So far I really like the FMC one. It is by fertilityfriend.com and it tracks your cycle as well as your fertile days. There is another app by BabyMed that is just so awesome. It allows you to put in when your LMP was or when your O day was and how long your average cycle is. Then it gives you a list of where you are at in your cycle. Not just what cycle day but also when to start OPK's, when your fertility begins, when your O day is, when implantation occurs, when you can get a +BPT, when you can get a 50%+HPT and 95%+HPT. It is so awsome. It also has a pregnancy tracker and hopefully I will need it soon!

Tom Petty had it right.....

.....oooo the waiting is the hardest part

CD17 update

Today is CD17. Moe gave me a High Fertility reading this morning. The past 2 mornings Moe gave me a Peak Fertility reading so S and I BD'd both days. We plan on BD'ing today also. It would be so awesome if this cycle worked. I really don't want to go through my original due date still not pregnant. I now that day is going to be painful. I've read some stuff online that says pineapple is good for implantation. Something about the enzymes and antioxidants in it helps aid in implantation. I've had some women on message boards to tell me this also. Well, I'm eating some fresh pineapple and drinking some pineapple juice (not from concentrate) so we shall see. I've got to find something to do or think about during this TWW, it's already killing me and I'm 1DPO. I plan on testing 14DPO and maybe going in for a BPT that day.

I'm still debating on whether or not I want to take the progesterone suppossotories. I just don't want to do something and that messes something up or I don't want to not do something and that messes something up. Ugh. I just don't know. I'm probably going to take it because my progesterone was low with my first pregnancy. Some of the stuff I've read online says that if you wait till you find out your pregnant and start taking progesterone that it may already be too late for the progesterone support to be of any help. It makes sense, I mean that would be like 2 weeks or so that a baby would be trying to implant and develop with me having low progesterone. I've got school work to keep me busy and I really need to give the house a good cleaning, like a really really good spring cleaning. I can work on S's blanket I'm crocheting. I am really going to try and have it ready for him this Christmas. I've just been working on it for like 5 years, yikes!

Oh, and I've been thinking about mine and S's WDW vacation. If this cycle is successful, we won't be able to go. I'll be 30 something weeks and I don't think it would be a good idea to travel so far away from home and my doctor and be walking around the parks all day. What I am thinking is.....if I am not pregnant by the time we book our vacation (sometime in June) then we should be okay to go. But, if I am pregnant by the time we book our vacation we will probably need to cancel the trip. I don't want to risk anything. We have wanted a baby for so long and we have tried so hard. Plus we could use that money to buy things for the baby that we need, like, oh, everything! No, seriously, we have a few things we have accumulated since we started TTC. We have a bouncy seat, a bassinet, and a few clothes (mostly unisex onesies).


S and I went to the flea market this past weekend and there were these 2 giraffes that I wanted so badly. They were wooden, I think, and didn't look "cartooney". One was about 3 feet tall and the other probably about 2 feet tall. I wanted them so bad, I just thought they would look absolutely precious in a nursery. I didn't get them though. This is what the giraffe statues looked like (see picture). Cute, aren't they? I think they would be so cute in either a boys or girls nursery. You could do like a jungle theme or even if you did like a pink / black or pink / brown or blue / black or blue / brown theme the giraffes would look cute setting over in a corner. I want them! Maybe S will get off of work early today and we can go get them! Maybe?

return to sender

I have been really trying to stay positive this cycle. I've been trying to not get so anxious and be so stressed out all the time. A few days ago I posted a blog about my cousin's upcoming baby shower. She is due in May and I knew I would be receiving the invitation in the mail any day. Well, it came today. Ugh. S always gets the mail when he gets home from work and he had it folded in half with a sales flyer on the outside. He handed me the mail and said "it's just all crap, throw it out". Well, I looked at all the mail. All of it was crap and then...the baby shower invitation. Ugh. Funny thing though, it is this Sunday. So not even a weeks notice. Maybe I'm biased because I just don't want to go to a baby shower or because this is this cousin's third child or maybe because I'm surrounded by friggin fertile freaks. Ugh. Oh yeah, my point was that that's not even a weeks notice for her baby shower. Seems kind of rude to me. But again, maybe I'm just the biased crazy infertile with nothing but furbabies. So yeah, I'm not going. I don't think I should have to give any excuses or reasons either. Deal with it. I know it would be really hard on me to go. First, it is a friggin baby shower for my cousin that is due in May, my original due date month. Second, I am the only cousin who does not have children. Some have 2 and 3 children and I still have none. Third, I don't want to put up with the friggin stupid a$$ comments like "well it'll be your turn next" or "when are S and you going to have a baby" or the weird glances or stares. Ugh. Yeah, I'm so definitely not going.

On a much happier note.....happy happy joy joy. I'm still excited and happy about Moe giving me a peak fertility reading this morning. I took another OPK this afternoon and it was really positive, like a lot darker than the control line, even more so than the one I took this morning. S and I got our BD'ing in and depending on what Moe says the next 2 days we will be doing a lot more. S and I talked about me starting the progesterone suppossotories and I think I'm going to. I mean, my progesterone was low with my first pregnancy and it ended with M/C. I don't want that to happen again. Our feelings on it is that if I waited until I got a +HPT or BPT and my progesterone is low it may be too late to save the pregnancy. That would be up to 2 weeks or so that I would have low progesterone. And if my progesterone is low the pregnancy may not even take. So, I will be taking whoha pills again. I'm going to start them 3-4 DPO. So I guess after Moe goes back to a high fertility reading I will know that I have indeed O'd and then I'll start the whoha pills 3-4 days later. I'll take a HPT 14DPO and if it is negative I'll go in for a BPT and if it is negative I'll stop the whoha pills and then wait on AF and the next cycle. If my HPT and BPT are positive I'll have my progesterone checked and will probably be told by the doctor to continue it till I'm 12 weeks, she may even want to up my dosage.

I'm not going to think about my cousin's baby shower anymore. If anyone calls me about it I'll just tell them I'm not going, plain and simple. I'm not giving excuses or reasons as to why and I'm sure as heck not going and putting on a fake happy smile and making nice with everyone while I'm dying on the inside. Nope, not gonna do that.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am doing my Happy Happy Joy Joy dance right now. Why? Well, Moe gave me a peak fertiltiy reading this morning! WOOHOO! I was so excited to see the 3 bars with the little eggie on my monitor. So what does Peak Fertility mean? After referring back to Moe's instruction booklet it says that "Peak Fertility will be indicated on the day of the LH surge, as well as the following day(p17)". Well, what is an LH surge? LH is luteinizing hormone, a hormone that triggers ovulation to occur approximately 24-36 hours later. So I received my first Peak Fertility reading this morning, meaning I am about to ovulate, in about 24-36 hours. That means that today and tomorrow will be the best times to BD. After the 2 days of Peak Fertility readings Moe should give me one more day of High Fertility because the egg can survive for up to 24 hours after ovulation and has a chance of being fertilized then. After this, I should go back to getting Low Fertiltiy readings and then I will enter the TWW! So, if my actual O day is tomorrow, CD16, then on CD30 I should be 14DPO and should be able to test. That is nearly a "normal" cycle. Does anyone really realize what that means to me, for me? I seriously seriously do not think I have ever had a "normal" cycle and now here I am like 2 days off from a "normal" cylce.

EEE! I am just feeling really optimistic about this cycle. Oh, I don't want to get my hopes up just to be disappointed in a few weeks. But I don't want to be negative about it either. Mine and S's future baby needs positive energy, that starts with the egg and sperm, positive energy. Okay, now I sound like some hippy dippy new age freakola. But I really do believe that being positive about this and sending positive energy out and taking positive energy in will help with my anxiousness and stress.



I am such an organizational neat freak. So of course I have charts and spreadsheets for all of mine and S's TTC information, including my cycle information. So I went back and looked at all of my cycles since S and I started TTC and I got my average cycle length, which is 36 days. So I know when my O day is, I know what day I should test, what about my EDD if this cycle is successful? Well, based on my O date, my EDD would be 12/7/10. I know if you have been TTC for any length of time you have done that too, looked up what your EDD would be if that cycle was successful. Haven't you? If you go by my LMP based on my average cycles length of 36 days (which I think I'm O'ing earlier this cycle) my EDD would be 12/14/10, that is with my LP being an average of 14 days. I averaged my LP for the cycles since S and I started TTC and the average was 13.875 days, so that is right there at 14 days. The only thing is they varied a great deal. Guestimating when my O date was using OPKs, my shortest LP was 11 days and my longest was 18 days. That is a pretty big difference.

I have progesterone suppossotories (200mg) left over from when I was pregnant. My doctor told me that I could take 1 a day after I O'd because I was concerned with my low progesterone levels. I'm just not sure if I should or not. I don't want to mess anything up with taking them or without taking them. Maybe I could go in for a 7DPO progesterone BW level and if my levels are low I could start taking the suppossotories then. I think I am going to go in for a BPT too. When I got my BFP the HPT was showing negative, even the one in the doctor's office, but the BPT showed positive. It was a few days later before the HPT was showing positive. AGH! I just need to relax and stop over analyzing everything and getting stressed out. Positive energy in, positive engery out.

Wish me luck!

upcoming baby showers

I know it is only a matter of time before I get that cute little blue or pink invitation in the mail for my cousin's baby shower. I found out a few weeks ago that she is pregnant with #3 and is due in May. Yep, May, my due date month. *sighs* I just can't go. I'll send a gift. Maybe a gift card. I just can't shop for baby stuff and go to a baby shower. I just can't. I can't for my own mental health.

Oh, and if my other cousin does stay with his girlfriend who is pregnant by another guy, I think she is due in September. So there is another baby shower I know will be coming up. Sorry. I just can't go.

And I really don't think I should have to give explanations to people as to why I will not be attending their baby shower, do I?

Sorry cousin but S and I have been TTC for nearly 2 years and we have had a miscarriage that broke our hearts, I just don't feel up to celebrating your pregnancy right now.

OR: sorry cousin, but I won't be able to attend your baby shower, that is my estimated O day and S and I will be BD'ing like crazy little rabbits. Sorry. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: Sorry cousin, but I won't be albe to attend your baby shower, I will be 14DPO that day and am planning on POAS that AM. If I get a BFP I will be so ecstatic that I will literally be shaking all day and I'll be a nervous wreck about having another M/C so I won't be able celebrate with you and if I get a BFN I will either be on the bathroom floor crying for most of the day or curled up in a ball in my bed crying for most of the day. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I can't handle everyone asking when S and I are planning on having a baby. Hello nosy family member, we just BD'd this AM, wanna look in my whoha and see if S's spermies are swimming the right way? Oh yeah, congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I can't handle the "guess your due date" game because you are due in May and if I hear May 5th, my due date, I may just break down and have to be hauled off to the looney bin. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I just can't handle all the weird looks, stares, and glances from nosy family members who are talking about me to other nosy family members. "When do you think she'll ha ve kids?" "Who knows, maybe they don't want them" "Maybe they can't have kids" "Who do you think it is, him or her?" Or worse, all the sympathetic pity looks or the comments "It will happen when it is suppossed to happen" or "Maybe you just aren't suppossed to have kids" or "In God's time" or whatever other comment anyone can come up with that will only make me feel worse. Oh, and a big friggin congratulations to you fertile cousin.

Maybe I should just give a generic excuse for not attending: Sorry Cousin, I have a wicked stomach virus and will be on the toilet all day. I don't want to get everyone sick, especially you and your precious little bundle of joy. Yes, I do have a wicked stomach virus and NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! Oh, and congratulations you fertile myrtle.

CD12

Moe is still giving me high readings. Today is CD12 and my fifth day of high readings. I'm also taking OPK's to compare with what Moe tells me. My OPK's are getting darker. I'm really thinking I may O early this cycle. My OPK is more than half as dark as the control line so I'm thinking I may O within the next 3-5 days?

I've been feeling really tired and exhausted here lately. Like just really fatigued and little or no energy. I went to my family doctor yesterday because of this and because I had not been for a check up since January 2009. She is doing a lot of bloodwork to see what is going on. She ordered a CBC, and she is checking my iron, thyroid, and blood sugar. She thinks I may have low iron because of the M/C and since then AF has been heavier with clots and more painful. Me feeling tired all the time started before I started dieting and exercising so I really don't think it is because of my reduced calories or increase in physical activity. Also, my doctor doesn't think it is my blood sugar because I have lost weight (22 lbs since the first of the year!) and because I'm on Metformin for PCOS. I had my thyroid checked in August 2008, shortly after S and I started TTC, and it was fine. I know things can change over time but my impression from my doctor was that she is leaning more towards the low iron causing my tiredness. I'll find out sometime next week. I just hope it is something simple and not something that is going to affect S and I TTC or my weight loss.

Yesterday I went to Sally Beauty Supply to pick up some nail polish. While I was there I heard the woman who was working at the front talking on the phone. I could tell by her voice that she was talking about someone who was either A. pregnant B. having a baby soon or C. had just recently had a baby. I just knew it. Guess what, I was right. She was talking to someone about someone who had just went to the hospital that day and was going into labor. Ugh. My heart sank, right to my stomach, and then I thought I was going to throw up. Why? Why did this upset me. I don't even know these people. For all I know this woman who was about to have her baby has been through the same or worse problems with TTC that S and I have had. I'm not jealous, well, maybe a little. But more so, it reminds me of what S and I don't have. Of what we have been trying so very hard for, for so very long. Of what happened to us, about us losing the baby. It makes me wonder if we will ever have our own little miracle. I admit, it does make me a little jealous but really it makes me hurt for what S and I have lost and may never have again. It just really sucks. It sucks when you want something so badly, when your heart yearns for something, and you nearly had what you have dreamed of for so long and then it is snatched away from you.

If you have read some of my other posts, you'll know that my 18 year old cousin moved in with a girl that is pregnant by another man. He is going to "stick it out" with her and help raise the baby as if it were his own. You know, if they are really in love and that is what he wants to do, then all the best of luck to them. But, again, it makes my heart sink to my stomach and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My aunt and other cousin came over to my house the other day and my aunt started talking about it. She said that if he stays with that girl and they get married there will be a new baby in the family. She said that he told her he would be a "daddy" and there would be another cousin in the family. I just looked at her and told her I didn't want to hear anything about it. I saw my other cousin lean over to her and I can just assume what he said to her. Hopefully it was something to the affect of S and I have been through a lot and stuff like that upsets us. Honestly, I just think "IT'S NOT FAIR". I know I shouldn't think that way. Again, I don't know this girls whole life story. I mean, I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. But I just can't get away from feeling like stuff like this is not fair. Why? Why can't S and I have our baby? We would cherish our child. We would never take them for granted. Ugh. I know I know I know there is a reason S and I are having a difficult time. Maybe it's to bring us closer together, which it has. Maybe it was to get us to be healthier, which we have. Maybe it was so that we would appreciate our blessing when we do get it, OMG we will totally appreciate it. I don't know. UGH. I'm tired of thinking and quite honestly, I'm tired of thinking there is a reason for everything. Maybe some things just suck, plain and simple.

Sorry this is such a pity party post. I didn't intend for it to be this way. Ugh. I just had to get some feelings out.

Today is CD9. This morning Moe gave me another high fertility reading. Could I really O at the "average" and "normal" time of CD14 this cycle? I guess it really doesn't matter when I O just as long as I do O and we catch it!

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

Moe, my CBE fertiltiy monitor, gave me a high fertility reading this morning. What?!?! Today is CD8. Moe's instructions say that you can get up to 5 days of high fertility readings before you get your peak fertility reading. Still, if I got the whole 5 days of high fertility readings that means I'll be O'ing around CD13-14? Since S and I started TTC I have used OPK's regularly, every cycle. I always "thought" my O day was around CD18-CD20 or so, give or take a day or 2. Have I been missing my O time? The month we got our BFP we were not trying. By not trying I mean I was taking OPK's but not regularly. I never got a positive OPK that month and I stopped taking them on CD19. We were not timing our BD sessions. My doctor thinks I O'd late that month because when we got our BFP it was through a BPT, the HPT was still showing negative. I posted about possibly O'ing early on a TTC message board that I frequently visit. Some of the ladies on there said that you can O more than once per cycle and that sometimes your O time can change. I'm going to try and not stress and worry and over analyze this. S and I will BD when Moe tells us to :p and hopefully we'll have our BFP soon! The $200 I spent on Moe and the test strips that goes with him will so be worth getting a BFP. I also wonder if me losing weight and eating better and exercising could be changing my cycle? Maybe it's getting me more towards a "normal" cycle length. Ah, who knows, I'm just excited and feeling very optimistic!

When will it be my turn?

Did anyone watch The Office baby show last night? I love that show. I don't watch it on a regular basis and usually catch it in reruns. I've seen the previews for last nights show for a week or 2 now. I couldn't watch it. I just couldn't. Why does it seem like everywhere I look there are pregnant women and babies galore? So I skipped watching The Office baby show for my own sanity and self preservation.

Has your DH or SO ever told you something that completely melted your heart and you realize how much they really do love you? And it's something that they don't even realize means so much to you. S's friend from work was going to the beach with another friend this weekend. He asked S if he wanted to go with them. S said no because he couldn't get off work and we were saving money for WDW. After his friend arrived at the beach he called S while he was at work saying that he should have came with them. He went on to tell S how much they had drank and that the condo next to theirs had 4 single girls staying in it and they were trying to get the girls to come over and "party" with them. Ugh, single guys. S told his "friend" that that was not his scene. He is a married man. He didn't want to get drunk and possibly do something that he would regret or that would hurt me. He didn't want to be getting drunk with them while they were trying to "hook up" with a bunch of single girls at the beach. S's "friend" told him that he would let him do whatever he wanted and would never tell on him. WHAT! I was in shock. I thought it was a total disrespect to 1. ME 2. S's and mines marriage and 3. S himself. Guess what...S said the same exact thing. It just melted my heart. He doesn't want to go out getting drunk chasing girls. He wants to be at home with me. *sighs* I just love that man. It was then that S and I got to talking about how people change. Sometimes, you may be great friends with someone when you are a teenager or during a certain part of your life. But then, people grow, people mature, sometimes differently. That is what has happened with a lot of people I once knew.

Speaking of everywhere I look seeing pregnant women or babies, my 18 y/o male cousin has moved in with his 16 y/o pregnant (by another man) girlfriend (1st gf) whom he has known for exactly 1 month. Do I really have to go into how this makes me feel? If you have suffered with IF or have had a difficult time TTC you probably know how I feel about this one. First, I love my cousin and don't want to see him get hurt. He is at a crossroads right now and I hope he chooses the right path for him, whatever that may be. Second, it's just not friggin fair that God or life or whatever controls the universe would allow a 16 y/o kid get pregnant and not me. This girl's "baby daddy" left her, she lives at home with her parents, she has a "reputation" around town, and it's just not fair. When will it be my turn? S and I are ready. We are in a loving relationship, we have been married going on 6 years. We are both emotionally and financially ready for a child of our own. We WANT this. When oh when oh when will it be our turn?

Yesterday was my weigh-in day for the week. I was down another 1.5 lbs! Woohoo! That is a total weight loss of 21 lbs since the first of the year. I've just got, well, A LOT more to go, let's leave it at that.

Tomorrow my CBE FM should ask me to POAS. Is it weird that I'm excited about this? I'm curious too to see when or if the CBE FM says I'm O'ing.

I'm ready for it to be my turn. Like so ready.

miscarriage emotional artwork

Sometimes words just can't express everything that I am feeling. I started off with a blank piece of paper. I added black pastels and smeared it over the entire sheet. I then added water colors in deep dark reds. I lightly brushed diluted black pain over one side of the paper, which represents all the dark feelings associated with my miscarriage, the dark feelings that I am pouring out of my heart. The heart was created on a seperate sheet of paper, cut out, and pasted onto my painted sheet. I included torn pieces of paper, cardboard, and aluminum foil on the cut out heart to create dimension and ruggedness, signifying the hurt and pain my heart has experienced. Deep dark red paint is painted over the heart. I outlined the heart in black paint, a shell that has formed around my heart. The shell is exploding on the right side of the paper with all of the dark feelings pouring out and going off the edge of the paper. The reds on the left side and bottom of the sheet signifies hurt, pain, anger, and fear that surrounds my heart.

I am not an artist. Most people will probably think this looks like sh*t but it is my feelings poured out onto paper in a way that needs no words. A way that I can express my feelings when I can't find the words.

Where is my golden ticket?

Last night was the premiere of Parenthood on NBC. The previews were promising and it had limited commercial interruption so I watched it. While I was watching it I started to wonder if I should even be watching this show about parenthood. S and I are not parents. This show is specifically designed for people with children. I started to feel as if you needed a special golden ticket to be allowed to watch this show. A ticket S and I don't have. A ticket we want more than anything in the world. A ticket we have longed for and tried for. A ticket we did have at one time before a cruel twist of fate blew the wind our way taking our special golden ticket with it. Am I going to watch this show again. Probably. I'm a gluten for punishment. Need proof? Last night while going to bed I decided to watch a little bit of television because I was not sleepy. S drifted off right away because yesterday was his 9th straight day of work, only 3 days to go before he gets a break. What show did I pick? Pushing the knife a little bit harder and deeper into my scarred up heart I choose to watch I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. See what I mean about being a gluten for punishment. I watched 2 episodes of this program. 2 episodes and 3 stories later I turned off the TV in disgust. Not disgust at the show or the women on the show but at myself. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I feel like a failure that I can't give S and I what we want the most, a baby to complete our family. Oh, and I saw on E! News last night that Kate Gosselin is going to be on Dancing With The Stars. She's going to all these premiers, book tours, DWTS, what else? She has 8 kids at home. 8! All S and I want is 1 (we would be happy with as many children as God or life or whatever has in store for us, 1, 2, 3, or more!). I got p*ssed. Shouldn't she be at home with her kids? I would have so much more respect for her if she was at home taking care of her kids, cooking them dinner, helping them with homework, and tucking them into bed instead of running around like she is some kind of celebrity. I mean she wanted these kids, right? She went through treatments (IUI I think) to have them so why does it seem like she is taking this great gift, this great blessing, for granted? I would not want to waste a minute, a second of being away from my kids. Ugh. I just get so frustrated sometimes, well, actually, a lot of the times. Where is my friggin golden ticket into the joys of parenthood?

Stand in the corner and scream with me

I love music. Music is very soothing and calming to me. I like to listen to music when I'm driving, when I'm cleaning, when I'm doing school work, when I'm taking a shower, and when I'm doing nothing. There is a great online music radio station that I listen to. It has all types of genres of music. I especially like the top alternative station. I heard a song by Mudvayne, a group I usually don't like too well. The song is Stand in the corner and scream with me. I really like it. It's been stuck in my head, playing over and over like a broken record.

This morning after I woke up I went to the bathroom. I started using my CBE fertility monitor this AM. I did not have to take a test, peeing on sticks will start on CD6. However, I do have to turn the CBE FM on every morning and see if it asks for a test. When I was in the bathroom the craziest thought ran across my mind. What if I am pregnant? What? Why in the world would I even think that I could be pregnant right now. AF is here, like big time. I thought about peeing on a stick, an HPT. Why oh why oh why do I think like this. Am I just a POASaholic? Is TTC driving me crazy? Sometimes it feels like it is. Oh, like for an example, when I am on CD2 with AF still here and I think about taking an HPT because I *might* be pregnant. Or, when I take a test, doesn't matter what kind of test, could be an HPT or OPK, and I search for the line. I turn the pee stick this way and that way. I stand on one leg holding my nose hopping across the bathroom to find the best light to see that all too elusive line. Or, when it seems like everything around me is shouting babies babies babies. Like an automotive insurance commercial, hate that one, makes me cry every time. Or like TV shows that have pregnant characters or characters who just had a baby or characters who just had a M/C or characters who wanted a baby so badly that they made their body think they were pregnant (thanks DOOL). I think it's just because TTC is the main thing on my mind most days, most hours, most minutes, heck, most every second. I try to keep myself busy. I try to keep myself distracted. School work is a nice distraction and it's something I've got to do most everyday. Planning our WDW trip is a nice distraction. At least it is giving me something to look forward to. I like scrapbooking and doing arts and crafts stuff. I finally set up my little scrapbooking/crafts corner in the computer room. It's a small area but it's nice and organized and it's all mine! There are pictures I need to have printed so that I can do more scrapbooking. Now that I have my scrapbooking station I can work on a page for as long as I want to. If I need to leave it and finish it the next day I'll be able to. So that is a nice distraction. I like to crochet. I've been working on S a blanket since the year we got married, so that has been over 5 years and I still haven't finished it. I get on a crocheting kick and I'll work on it for a day or 2 and then I won't work on it for months. Speaking of crocheting, when I was organizing my scrapbooking/craft station, I found some yarn that I had bought a long time ago. It is for a baby blanket. The baby that S and I have dreamed about for so long. I put it on the bottom of my yarn basket. Hopefully we'll have our baby, our miracle, soon and I can start working on their blanket.

If you are TTC and feel like it is driving you a little crazy from time to time, go ahead and stand in the corner and scream with me. It helps.

Bad news or good news

Well, the bad news is that I got AF. Boo. The good news is that my last cycle was 32 days. The bad news, again, is that I really don't think I O'd this past cycle. The good news is that I will be trying out the CBE fertility monitor this cycle.

I'm trying to not get discouraged. I'm trying to think positive. I'm wondering if my weight loss is helping to get me more to a "normal" cycle length. I hope that I did O this past cycle and that I just missed it with the OPKs.

I've been trying to keep busy with school work and planning our WDW trip. Trying not to think too much about TTC. Trying not to think too much about how easy it seems to be for everyone else. Trying not to think of how unfair this is. I would be 31 weeks this Wednesday. I know I shouldn't keep reminding myself of how far along I would be but I can't help it. Every Wednesday I think I should be "X" weeks pregnant today. I think about how S and I would be finishing up on the nursery. I think about how I would be going to the doctor every 1-2 weeks now. I think about how big my tummy would be with mine and S's baby growing inside. I think about how we would have known for weeks now what the sex of our baby was. I think about it being about time for my baby shower. Gah! I just think way too much. So that is why school work and planning the WDW trip are nice distractions. It gives me something else to think about. It gives me a break from driving myself crazy with all this thinking.