return to sender

I have been really trying to stay positive this cycle. I've been trying to not get so anxious and be so stressed out all the time. A few days ago I posted a blog about my cousin's upcoming baby shower. She is due in May and I knew I would be receiving the invitation in the mail any day. Well, it came today. Ugh. S always gets the mail when he gets home from work and he had it folded in half with a sales flyer on the outside. He handed me the mail and said "it's just all crap, throw it out". Well, I looked at all the mail. All of it was crap and then...the baby shower invitation. Ugh. Funny thing though, it is this Sunday. So not even a weeks notice. Maybe I'm biased because I just don't want to go to a baby shower or because this is this cousin's third child or maybe because I'm surrounded by friggin fertile freaks. Ugh. Oh yeah, my point was that that's not even a weeks notice for her baby shower. Seems kind of rude to me. But again, maybe I'm just the biased crazy infertile with nothing but furbabies. So yeah, I'm not going. I don't think I should have to give any excuses or reasons either. Deal with it. I know it would be really hard on me to go. First, it is a friggin baby shower for my cousin that is due in May, my original due date month. Second, I am the only cousin who does not have children. Some have 2 and 3 children and I still have none. Third, I don't want to put up with the friggin stupid a$$ comments like "well it'll be your turn next" or "when are S and you going to have a baby" or the weird glances or stares. Ugh. Yeah, I'm so definitely not going.

On a much happier note.....happy happy joy joy. I'm still excited and happy about Moe giving me a peak fertility reading this morning. I took another OPK this afternoon and it was really positive, like a lot darker than the control line, even more so than the one I took this morning. S and I got our BD'ing in and depending on what Moe says the next 2 days we will be doing a lot more. S and I talked about me starting the progesterone suppossotories and I think I'm going to. I mean, my progesterone was low with my first pregnancy and it ended with M/C. I don't want that to happen again. Our feelings on it is that if I waited until I got a +HPT or BPT and my progesterone is low it may be too late to save the pregnancy. That would be up to 2 weeks or so that I would have low progesterone. And if my progesterone is low the pregnancy may not even take. So, I will be taking whoha pills again. I'm going to start them 3-4 DPO. So I guess after Moe goes back to a high fertility reading I will know that I have indeed O'd and then I'll start the whoha pills 3-4 days later. I'll take a HPT 14DPO and if it is negative I'll go in for a BPT and if it is negative I'll stop the whoha pills and then wait on AF and the next cycle. If my HPT and BPT are positive I'll have my progesterone checked and will probably be told by the doctor to continue it till I'm 12 weeks, she may even want to up my dosage.

I'm not going to think about my cousin's baby shower anymore. If anyone calls me about it I'll just tell them I'm not going, plain and simple. I'm not giving excuses or reasons as to why and I'm sure as heck not going and putting on a fake happy smile and making nice with everyone while I'm dying on the inside. Nope, not gonna do that.