CD12

Moe is still giving me high readings. Today is CD12 and my fifth day of high readings. I'm also taking OPK's to compare with what Moe tells me. My OPK's are getting darker. I'm really thinking I may O early this cycle. My OPK is more than half as dark as the control line so I'm thinking I may O within the next 3-5 days?

I've been feeling really tired and exhausted here lately. Like just really fatigued and little or no energy. I went to my family doctor yesterday because of this and because I had not been for a check up since January 2009. She is doing a lot of bloodwork to see what is going on. She ordered a CBC, and she is checking my iron, thyroid, and blood sugar. She thinks I may have low iron because of the M/C and since then AF has been heavier with clots and more painful. Me feeling tired all the time started before I started dieting and exercising so I really don't think it is because of my reduced calories or increase in physical activity. Also, my doctor doesn't think it is my blood sugar because I have lost weight (22 lbs since the first of the year!) and because I'm on Metformin for PCOS. I had my thyroid checked in August 2008, shortly after S and I started TTC, and it was fine. I know things can change over time but my impression from my doctor was that she is leaning more towards the low iron causing my tiredness. I'll find out sometime next week. I just hope it is something simple and not something that is going to affect S and I TTC or my weight loss.

Yesterday I went to Sally Beauty Supply to pick up some nail polish. While I was there I heard the woman who was working at the front talking on the phone. I could tell by her voice that she was talking about someone who was either A. pregnant B. having a baby soon or C. had just recently had a baby. I just knew it. Guess what, I was right. She was talking to someone about someone who had just went to the hospital that day and was going into labor. Ugh. My heart sank, right to my stomach, and then I thought I was going to throw up. Why? Why did this upset me. I don't even know these people. For all I know this woman who was about to have her baby has been through the same or worse problems with TTC that S and I have had. I'm not jealous, well, maybe a little. But more so, it reminds me of what S and I don't have. Of what we have been trying so very hard for, for so very long. Of what happened to us, about us losing the baby. It makes me wonder if we will ever have our own little miracle. I admit, it does make me a little jealous but really it makes me hurt for what S and I have lost and may never have again. It just really sucks. It sucks when you want something so badly, when your heart yearns for something, and you nearly had what you have dreamed of for so long and then it is snatched away from you.

If you have read some of my other posts, you'll know that my 18 year old cousin moved in with a girl that is pregnant by another man. He is going to "stick it out" with her and help raise the baby as if it were his own. You know, if they are really in love and that is what he wants to do, then all the best of luck to them. But, again, it makes my heart sink to my stomach and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My aunt and other cousin came over to my house the other day and my aunt started talking about it. She said that if he stays with that girl and they get married there will be a new baby in the family. She said that he told her he would be a "daddy" and there would be another cousin in the family. I just looked at her and told her I didn't want to hear anything about it. I saw my other cousin lean over to her and I can just assume what he said to her. Hopefully it was something to the affect of S and I have been through a lot and stuff like that upsets us. Honestly, I just think "IT'S NOT FAIR". I know I shouldn't think that way. Again, I don't know this girls whole life story. I mean, I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. But I just can't get away from feeling like stuff like this is not fair. Why? Why can't S and I have our baby? We would cherish our child. We would never take them for granted. Ugh. I know I know I know there is a reason S and I are having a difficult time. Maybe it's to bring us closer together, which it has. Maybe it was to get us to be healthier, which we have. Maybe it was so that we would appreciate our blessing when we do get it, OMG we will totally appreciate it. I don't know. UGH. I'm tired of thinking and quite honestly, I'm tired of thinking there is a reason for everything. Maybe some things just suck, plain and simple.

Sorry this is such a pity party post. I didn't intend for it to be this way. Ugh. I just had to get some feelings out.