miscarriage emotions

I have never been an "artist". I can not draw or paint worth a hill of beans. I can barely draw a stick man. However, I find painting and drawing to be very therapeutic. I do get frustrated when I can't put on paper what I am feeling, what I am intending to be on the paper. This drawing was done with pastels. I love using them. They are fun to use and you can blend them to make different colors and shades. Your hands get messy but hey, I have soap and water. I wanted to put on paper my miscarriage emotions and feelings. I wanted to express these feelings without words. I knew I wanted to use the color black for the center of the page. For me, black represents some of my worst feelings, depression, and a feeling like there is no way out. The red symbolizes a lot of things and feelings. First, red represents the blood, my miscarriage. It also represents anger and fear. I wanted to blend out the red so that it got lighter towards the edges where I included white. The white is like the little ray of sunshine of hope that has slowly reentered my mind and body. The center of the page is supposed to be a representation of me holding mine and S's baby. I wanted it to look like the wind was blowing me and the baby away, like dust. I know this is by no means a "masterpiece". I know that I am not an "artist" and that most people will look at this and see nothing but a big blob of red and black. But for me, it is a "masterpiece". It is my feelings poured out onto paper for the whole world to see.

Shh! It's a secret!

S and I have decided that when we do get our next BFP we are not going to tell ANYONE until I am in the 2nd trimester. We may even wait until I'm around 20 weeks, when we find out the sex. I think this will be for the best. We were so excited with our first pregnancy we announced it early and to a lot of people. We will not do that again. I also think it will be good for us to have that time together as a couple, with just us knowing, kind of like a great little secret. We will be able to enjoy the pregnancy and not have to worry about people asking questions or giving us advice.

I don't think us telling people early with our first pregnancy was stupid or a mistake. We were excited. We had every right to be over the moon excited. We had been TTC for a year. We had just given up after my first cycle off of Clomid. We so didn't think we were pregnant. I was even asking the doctor for Provera to induce AF because I was late. It was our first pregnancy, our first baby. We wanted to share our happiness with anyone and everyone who would listen. But then, everything fell apart. We lost our baby, we lost our happiness, and everyone knew about it. Everyone knew we were hurting and in pain. Everyone knew that our little miracle, our jellybean was gone.

Yes, I think it will be for the best to keep our next little jellybean a secret for a while. What will we call our next jellybean? I just can't call him/her jellybean. Hmmm...how about - peanut, or piglet. Whatever we call him/her they will be loved so very much by their Mommy and Daddy.

I wanna hold your hand

I love watching Days of Our Lives. It's my soap opera. I get my daily dose of drama and in an hour it's over and out of my house. It's one of my tiny indulgences. I am an inpatient person so I DVR DOOL and ff through the commercials. Sometimes S will watch it with me. Although he probably wouldn't admit it, he enjoys watching DOOL about as much as I do. They introduced Chloe's struggle with infertility into the story line. I was interested. What was going to happen? Would she ever have children? Was she going to adopt? Was she going to go crazy like Nicole and kidnap a baby? I thought there was a DOOL miracle when Chloe took a pregnancy test, actually multiple pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. I was happy. If they thought she was infertile and couldn't have children and here she is pregnant then there is hope for S and I! Well, that was short lived. Of course Chloe's BF Daniel is a doctor and he got her in early for an U/S. I thought it was ridiculous them talking about finding out the sex of the baby so early (I seriously doubt even the best ultrasound tech in the country could determine the sex of a baby that at the most was 8 weeks or so). I could see the disappointment and pain in Chloe's face when they could not locate the baby. Apparently she had a hysterical pregnancy and she was in fact not pregnant. S was watching another episode of DOOL with me when Daniel told Chloe he had made her an appointment with a therapist. She did not go to the appointment and later told him that she was disappointed and needed him. She had just found out some bad news and he was ready to ship her off to the looney bin. People need time to grieve, in their own way. Some people race through the stages of grief, others go through the stages more slowly, sometimes getting stuck in a stage, sometimes go back and forth between stages. People need to give their loved ones time to grieve, in their own way. After I had my miscarriage I felt like people thought I shouldn't be sad all the time. Like they thought I should already be "over" it. First, my miscarriage will never ever be something that I just get "over". It will always be with me, I will never forget our jellybean. Second, I needed time to grieve in my own way. Just because I didn't get "over" my miscarriage in what other people thought was an acceptable time frame doesn't mean I needed to be shipped off to the looney bin. Honestly, I still hurt. I do think I have moved into the acceptance stage of grief but I still sometimes go back to other stages. I get depressed, I get angry, I don't want to believe this ever happened.

S and I had a talk that night after DOOL went off. He said that he still hurt too, that he still goes back to other stages of grief. He said he never thought I needed to be shipped off to a looney bin because I was sad and grieving the loss of our jellybean. He did say there were times he was worried about me because I was so sad. At those times he thought it might help me to talk to someone about my feelings but that he understood I needed time to deal with things in my own way. I told him that it still hurt, especially when I hear about other people's pregnancies. When my Dad was over the other night and he told me about my cousin's pregnancy I felt like I had been punched in the gut, all the air in my body left me, I felt light headed, I didn't know what to say or do. This sounds like a long drawn out process but it all only took about 3 seconds. S said he felt the same exact way and that after that feeling left him he immediately looked over at me to see if I was okay. We're there for one another. We don't want each other to hurt, to feel pain, to be disappointed. When one of us is falling down the other is there to catch us, to soften the fall, to take some of the pain away. I know S will always be there, holding my hand, squeezing it, he will never let go and neither will I.

where is my +OPK?

Yesterday was CD24. I still have not gotten a + OPK. UGH! I'm seriously thinking this cycle may be annovulatory. I'm going to continue taking OPK's for a few more days. At least next cycle I have the CBE fertility monitor to try out. Maybe it will be more accurate and easier to use. I've got to start doing better on my diet and exercise. I'm still doing it I'm just not doing as much as I know I could be. I found a couple of quotes today that helped inspire me:

Stop finding excuses for not doing something.....start thinking of potential rewards.

The reason most people fail instead of succeed.....they trade what they want the MOST for what they want at the MOMENT.

I printed those out and I've got a copy on my treadclimber and a copy on my whiteboard so I can look at them while I'm exercising, just a little something to help with motivation.

Yesterday was my niece's school beauty walk and she won! She won in her division and she won Miss Congeniality. I am so proud of her! My dad came down to go to the beauty walk and then he came over here to eat supper with S and I. While I was getting supper together he started talking about the Adkins diet. He said my cousin was alternating it with another diet every other week. He also told me that she is pregnant. WHAT!? She is dieting while she is pregnant? And he said that she would lose like 8-10 lbs when she did the Adkins diet for a week. WHAT!? I really hope he has his facts wrong and that she was doing that before she got pregnant and not while she is pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant. Oh, and guess when she is due.....May. Yep, my due date month. *sighs*

S could tell I was upset. Of course I had all kinds of dreams about babies and TTC last night. One of the dreams was that I had numerous miscarriages and no baby yet (I think that one was because we watched The Time Traveler's Wife the other night). So I was at the hospital talking to my doctor and I was telling her about not getting a +OPK this cycle and she was saying we could try Clomid again. Maybe this was my subconscious letting me know that deep down I really do want to try the Clomid again. I'm going to stick to the plan though. We are going to try the CBE FM for the remainder of this year while I diet and exercise and really work on losing some weight. Then we can try Clomid again, maybe late fall or after the first of the year.

I know it will happen, some day, some how. It just sucks that everybody else can have numerous children and S and I are struggling for our first. It also sucks that some of the people that can have children so easily are the ones that don't want them.....or the young'uns who aren't responsible enough to have them (I'm not saying that all young'uns are not responsible enough to have children but the majority of them seem like it).....or the ones who have drug addict husbands....*sighs*. Speaking of young'uns who aren't responsible enough to have children.....my 18 y/o cousin is dating a girl that is pregnant (she is 16 y/o). It's not his baby. He says that he is going to "stick it out" with her though. *sighs* Sometimes I just really really really feel like this is just not fair. I know I know I know that there is a reason for everything but right now I just feel like poo.

Need a push?

I received one of those forwarded e-mails today from moma. It had a powerpoint slide show with an accompanying story. It was about needing a push. The website you can find the slide show and story on is
http://www.eaglesneedapush.com/
It is called "Even Eagles Need A Push". One could really apply this to anything in their life. Of course, I found this to be inspirational to me regarding TTC. Why did I have a miscarriage? I have always believed that there is a reason for everything. I have not discovered the reason for my miscarriage. I have been feeling like it just plain out right sucks. It's not fair. Why me? Why would there ever be a reason for someone to lose their baby? I have been reflecting on it and trying to find out what in the world the reason could be. I'm still not sure what the reason was but I do know that S and I have adopted a new healthier lifestyle. I'm dieting and exercising and losing weight (18 lbs to date). S has quit smoking, he stopped drinking regular sodas, and he has also lost some weight as an indirect result of me eating healthier and stocking the house with healthy good for you natural foods. Could this be the reason why we had a miscarriage? Could the reason be for us to get healthy? We have also drawn closer, a lot closer. We talk more openly about stuff, about anything and everything. We don't argue and fight as much either. I mean, we never had knock down drag out fights or anything but we would argue. We would get frustrated with one another and argue about stupid stuff. Now, we try to listen to one another and express our feelings, thoughts, and frustrations in a more calm manner.

Yesterday I went to the salon to get my hair cut and highlights and lowlights put back in (I love it!). My hair stylist knows that S and I have been TTC for a long time and that we had a miscarriage. The hair stylist that works beside her station also knew about it. So, when I went in yesterday my hair stylist said that the other stylist wanted to tell me something. She told me that she hoped I could find comfort in knowing that mine and S's baby was in heaven and that God, Jesus, and the Angels were taking care of them. Also, that we would meet our baby one day, that we would meet them in heaven. I did find comfort in this. It is something I myself have thought about. I think about our baby looking down on us, they are like our guardian angel. I know we will meet them again, someday. Someday we will hold them and hug them and kiss them. It's just really hard right now. After I was finished at the salon I had to go pick S up from work (the starter on his car gave out yesterday so I had to carry him to work and pick him up). On the drive home I was telling him about what the other stylist told me. He said he believed that too. That he knew, one day, whatever there was in the afterlife, we would meet our baby. He started crying and said that it still hurts him a lot. He said that just the day before he was driving home from work and he started humming "You Are My Sunshine" and before he realized it he was crying. I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and that we just needed to think about when we would meet our baby.

I am on CD22 today. My OPK's are getting darker, no positive yet though. So last night we were supposed to BD since the OPK's are getting darker. I started crying though. Losing our baby still hurts me so badly and to know that S is as affected by it as me hurts me even more. I don't want us to be sad all the time. I want us to live a long happy healthy life together. I want us to focus on the future, on the baby that is waiting for us, the baby we will have one day. I'm not saying that I want to forget our first baby, our jellybean. I will never forget them. They will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love them and think about them. After I started crying and finally calmed down enough to tell S why I was so upset, he just held me. He held me tight and didn't let go. It was nice.

Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor

I received my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks in the mail today. I ordered it off of cvs.com. They had it for $199.99 in the store but they had it on sale for $127.49 online. The test sticks were $49.99 in the store but they had them on sale for $37.49 online. I also received free shipping so I saved some money by purchasing this online instead of in the store. I am so excited to start using this next cycle.

I have been using OPK test strips since like a few months into S and I TTC. I use 2 different kinds of OPK test strips, Answer brand and the internet cheapies from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com. I have mainly used the internet cheapies because they really are so much cheaper. I've been buying them in bulk along with pregnancy tests. Honestly, there is no telling how much money I have spent on OPK's, HPT's, BBT thermometer, Clomid, Robitussin (more about that later), and bloodwork. And now $219 on the CBE fertility monitor and test sticks (I ordered 2 packages of 30 test sticks so I could get the cheaper price online). It will all be worth it in the end though when S and I are holding our little miracle in our arms.

I won't be able to start using the CBE fertility monitor until next cycle. I am currently on CD21, so I have about 2 weeks or so before next cycle begins. I should be O'ing soon. I've been taking OPK test strips since CD13. The past 2 days (CD19 and CD20) I have got test results that are nearly positive. When taking an OPK the test line must be as dark or darker than the control line. The past 2 days my test line has been nearly as dark as the control line so no positive yet this cycle. It does get kind of confusing taking the OPK test strips because it's like my test line is "nearly" as dark as the control line. It's supposed to be easier with the CBE fertility monitor because you don't have to look for a line that is as dark or darker than another line. It has a little display screen that shows your level of fertility - low, high, and peak. A low fertility reading means that you have a very small chance of conceiving. A high fertility reading means you have an increased chance of conceiving (I guess that is right before or right after you O?). A peak fertility reading means you have the highest chance of conceiving (that must be when you are O'ing?). You begin testing on or before CD5. Every morning you turn on the FM and if it will tell you if you need to take a test that day. If you do, you pee on a test stick and insert it in the FM. It will then display your fertility level. From what I have read, the FM will ask for a test 10-20 days during your cycle, I guess depending on your cycle length. It remembers your cycle information and I guess it becomes more accurate the more you use it. I'm really not sure yet, I'll figure it out better once I start using it. It says that it is for women that have a cycle length between 21 and 42 days. Mine have been averaging about 35 days. God, they used to be so long, like months and months. I'll update more about the CBE FM once I start using it. It would be really awesome to not even have to use the CBE FM next cycle.....meaning I get a BFP this cycle! I would not even be upset that I spent $200+ on this thing.

So the current TTC plan is.....finish this cycle, continue taking OPK test strips until I get a +, take an HPT 14dpo, if I don't get AF by CD50 call the doctor for an RX (provera to induce AF). Next cycle - start using the CBE FM on CD5, continue using it until it doesn't ask for anymore test sticks, BD on High and Peak fertility days, take an HPT 14dpo, if I don't get AF by CD50 call the doctor for an RX (provera to induce AF). I'll continue using the CBE FM for maybe the rest of this year. During that time I'm going to continue dieting, exercising, and losing weight. If we don't have a BFP by late fall I will be taking Clomid again. If I do have to take Clomid again I will try it for 6 cycles. If no BFP within that time we will try again on our own for another 3 cycles past the 6 Clomid cycles. After that, if no BFP, we are going to an RE, a specialist. I like having a plan.

Happy Valentine's Day

S carried me out to eat for Valentine's Day. The restaurant we were going to was about an hours drive away. It was nice to talk to S and not have any distractions as we drove to the restaurant. Somehow the conversation moved to us TTC, having a baby, and our miscarriage. S told me that after the miscarriage he heard from a lot of people that after having a miscarriage you may have an easier time getting pregnant immediately after. He said he was hopeful about this but that after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months had passed he kind of gave up on that hope. He said he wanted it to happen again right away and that maybe that would take some of the pain of our miscarriage away. He said he knew we would have a baby one day and that when we do have our baby he is going to spoil it rotten. I knew that his parents had a difficult time conceiving him and tried for many years. After they had him they learned they would not be able to have any more children. So, they spoiled him. They gave him everything they possibly could.

Sometimes TTC just hurts so bad. It's getting your hopes up for the millionth time only to be let down and disappointed again. It's like losing something over and over again, month after month. You grieve and mourn month after month. It's a vicious cycle that will send you on an emotional roller coaster ride. Plain and simple, it sucks. I think that people who have not personally been through this or experienced the emotions and pain attached with TTC, infertility, and miscarriage really can't fully understand the depth of pain you experience month after month. People don't know what to say to you. It's like TTC, infertility, and miscarriage are a taboo thing. You just don't talk about it. It's something you hide.

I hurt. S hurts. But we have each other. I am so happy with our life. I love S with all of my heart. He is my husband and my best friend. I appreciate the life we have together right now. But, it's like a baby would complete our life. It's not that my life in incomplete with S, it's just we want to advance our family, our relationship. We want to have a baby. We want to be parents. We want to share our lives with our child. We want to take that next step and complete our family.

I want to keep the faith that we will one day have our baby. I don't want to give up. It's hard sometimes. Really hard. I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again. I don't want S to be hurt and disappointed again. But I just can't give up. It's been 20 months of TTC, 8 rounds of Clomid, and 1 miscarriage but I just can't give up.

When I got my BFP last year and I was pregnant I was so so so very happy. My faith, my faith in God, my faith in life, had started to fade. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Then, a miracle. We had our BFP, we were going to have our baby. My faith was restored, 110%. I thanked God everyday for this blessing he had given us. Then, something I never thought would happen, we lost our baby, our miracle, the blessing God had given us. I didn't understand and I still don't understand how life or God could be so cruel. I never thought such a cruel thing would happen to us. I mean we had been TTC for over a year, taken numerous rounds of Clomid, and we were ready for a baby. Who would have thought that a miscarriage would be the next cruel joke life would throw at us.

I always say that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure of the reason S and I have had such a difficult time conceiving and I'm not sure why we had a miscarriage. It just doesn't seem fair. But, I really do believe there is a reason for everything, I just haven't learned what the reasons are for all the pain S and I have experienced during the past 2 years.

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 4

It's funny how your feelings about pregnancy can change in such a short period of time. With my first u/s appointment I was so happy and excited to get to see jellybean. The next u/s was a little more stressful because I was waiting to see if things had progressed. The third u/s was awful. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to hear the news that things were still not progressing and that our baby was not growing. I didn't want to lose our little miracle. We had wanted this for so very long, we had tried for this for so very long and now it could be taken away in the blink of an eye. I still had a glimmer of hope as I layed down for my 3rd u/s. Maybe the baby had grown...maybe everything was going to be okay. I wish that had of been the case but it wasn't. Things had not progressed since my last u/s. Actually the gestational sac was now measuring 6 weeks 0 days and was sitting lower in my uterus, about in the middle. There was no baby, no fetal pole, no heartbeat, no yolk sac. The baby had stopped developing at around 6 weeks. The u/s tech asked me again if I had experienced any bleeding. NO! I haven't had any bleeeding or spotting. I still felt pregnant why wasn't the baby growing? I didn't cry this time. I was numb. I didn't want to feel the hurt and pain I knew was growing inside of me, hurt and pain that was growing instead of our baby. I didn't want to feel like I was dying. The doctor spoke with S and I and said that things had not developed and I still had the choice of miscarrying naturally or having a D&C procedure. My body still thought I was pregnant. It did not realize that the baby had stopped developing. The doctor said it could be days or weeks before my body caught on to what was happening. I didn't want to wait. I don't like to wait. I didn't want to feel anxious everyday waiting for the bleeding to start. S was on vacation that week (some vacation, huh) so we choose the D&C procedure. S would be at home with me for the rest of the week. We would have time to spend together and mourn the loss of our baby. I was scheduled to come in the following morning and have the surgery.....

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 3

I was scheduled to come back in for my 3rd u/s on 2/6/09. S and I had been planning a trip to Atlanta, Georgia to see Metallica live in concert. Metallica is S's favorite band and they have grown on me too. We had planned this trip, bought the tickets, and reserved a hotel room weeks before we got our BFP. Now, with everything going on, we weren't sure if we should even go. We decided that it would be best to go to the concert and try to have a good time. We needed something to get our minds off of what was going on, off of the very strong possibility that we were losing our baby. The concert was on the night of 10/4/09. We arrived in Atlanta early that afternoon and checked into the hotel. I was tired and feeling sick, pregnancy symptoms that my body was producing. We took a nap and got up that night to get ready for the concert. I had been feeling sick the past few weeks and I would throw up sometimes. I knew it was a long car ride to Atlanta and back so I brought a SpiderMan popcorn bucket to be my "puke bucket". I am glad I brought that bucket. On the way to the concert I started feeling really nauseous. I grabbed the bucket and puked and puked and puked. S was driving on the interstate trying to find the concert venue and rubbing my back while I puked my guts up. It was a great time. After throwing up I felt better. We arrived to the concert and found our seats. The concert was great but I still felt horrible. I started feeling sick again during the concert so I sat down and enjoyed the rest of the concert in my seat. On the way back to the hotel I started being mean to S. I don't know why. No, I do know why. We were losing our baby and there was nothing either one of us could do about it. This sucked. It wasn't fair. I was sad. I was mad. I took it out on S that night. We got back to the hotel room and I layed down. S went outside to smoke (he quit smoking the beginning of this year, yay, I'm so proud of him). The flood gates were let down and I started crying. By the time S got back to the room I was bawling my eyes out, sobbing hysterically. S held me and comforted me all night. I didn't sleep well. I knew it was only 2 more days till we had our final u/s.....

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 2

After I had dressed and partially compossed myself, I wiped my face off and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. S was standing there waiting on me. He looked like he was going to cry. He grabbed my hand. The u/s tech was finishing writing in my file. She then led us to a small conference room where we waited for the doctor. S never let go of my hand, he kept comforting me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I felt sick. I didn't want him to comfort me just then. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like a failure. I felt like this was my fault. How could S still love me? How could he not despise me right now? The doctor came in and said she was so sorry but things were not developing like they should. I didn't really hear a lot of what she said, I was dazed. I heard the words blighted ovum and miscarriage. She said that we could wait a week and come back in for a 3rd u/s before we made any decisions. My body did not recognize that the baby had stopped growing. My body thought I was still pregnant. I could wait it out and see if my body caught up with what was going on and I could miscarriage naturally at home. The doctor said I could also take a medicine to induce a miscarriage or I could have a D&C. She said given what all S and I had been through, how long we were TTC, that a D&C would probablly be the least painful, both physically and emotionally, between the 3 choices she offered. I didn't want to make any drastic decisions. I wanted to wait and have the 3rd u/s. I didn't want to give up hope just yet. I kept thinking "What if...". What if the u/s machine was broken? What if the u/s tech was wrong? What if my uterus is tipped or shaped funny and they couldn't get an accurate measurement and everything really was fine and the baby was growing just as it should. What if the baby was just growing slow and it would have a growth spurt soon and catch up. The doctor was sympathetic and kind to S and I. I didn't want to be in that room anymore. I didn't want to be near the doctor anymore. I didn't want to be anything or anywhere at that moment. S and I scheduled the next u/s appointment and left the doctor's office. I was devestated and heartbroken. S was being strong for me. I could tell he was upset, sad, disappointed. He held my hand all the way home. I just looked out the window, thinking. I felt sick, both literally and figuratively. My body still thought I was pregnant, it was still producing all the pregnancy related hormones and I was still having all the pregnancy related side effects. I was tired, my breasts were sore and tender, I got sick throughout the day, and I was an emotional wreck. I still had a glimmer of hope somewhere in me. I wasn't giving up on jellybean, not then, not ever.....

Please don't take my sunshine away

It has been a long time since I last posted on this blog. S and I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. God, it hurts. I went for my first ultrasound on 9/22/10. According to my LMP I should have been 9 weeks 1 day. According to my EDC I should have been 7 weeks 6 days. The ultrasound was showing that I was 6 weeks 1 day. I was so upset and worried. The ultrasound technician said that I may have had my dates off (I knew I didn't because of taking OPK's and timing our BD sessions). I was to come back in a week for a follow-up ultrasound. The u/s tech asked me if I had had any bleeding. I was shocked that she asked me this. If I had had any bleeding wouldn't I have mentioned that? Wouldn't I have called the doctor's office and told them about that? Wouldn't I have rushed to the ER? I told the u/s tech that no I had not had any bleeding or spotting. Was she already giving up on jellybean?

Moma went with me to my first ultrasound but I was really glad that S got to go with me for the next one. I went for the 2nd ultrasound on 9/30/10. That was the longest wait ever. I was so worried, upset, and anxious. Just not knowing what was going on was agonizing. For the 2nd u/s I was measuring 6 weeks 2 days, the baby had grown by 1 day. Something was definitely wrong. When I saw the screen I knew before the u/s tech said anything. It looked the same as the previous week. The u/s tech asked me if I had had any bleeding. I wasn't really shocked that she asked me this time. I knew from the screen that the baby was not growing. I told her no that I had not had any bleeding or spotting at all. S was holding my hand when the u/s tech told me that things were not developing as they should, he squeezed my hand hard. I was pushing back the tears and then, I couldn't hold them back anymore. A flood of tears streamed down my face. The u/s tech gave me tissues and S squeezed my hand even harder and told me that he loved me. I went to the restroom to put my clothes back on and compose myself. I couldn't believe this was happening.....