After I had dressed and partially compossed myself, I wiped my face off and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. S was standing there waiting on me. He looked like he was going to cry. He grabbed my hand. The u/s tech was finishing writing in my file. She then led us to a small conference room where we waited for the doctor. S never let go of my hand, he kept comforting me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I felt sick. I didn't want him to comfort me just then. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like a failure. I felt like this was my fault. How could S still love me? How could he not despise me right now? The doctor came in and said she was so sorry but things were not developing like they should. I didn't really hear a lot of what she said, I was dazed. I heard the words blighted ovum and miscarriage. She said that we could wait a week and come back in for a 3rd u/s before we made any decisions. My body did not recognize that the baby had stopped growing. My body thought I was still pregnant. I could wait it out and see if my body caught up with what was going on and I could miscarriage naturally at home. The doctor said I could also take a medicine to induce a miscarriage or I could have a D&C. She said given what all S and I had been through, how long we were TTC, that a D&C would probablly be the least painful, both physically and emotionally, between the 3 choices she offered. I didn't want to make any drastic decisions. I wanted to wait and have the 3rd u/s. I didn't want to give up hope just yet. I kept thinking "What if...". What if the u/s machine was broken? What if the u/s tech was wrong? What if my uterus is tipped or shaped funny and they couldn't get an accurate measurement and everything really was fine and the baby was growing just as it should. What if the baby was just growing slow and it would have a growth spurt soon and catch up. The doctor was sympathetic and kind to S and I. I didn't want to be in that room anymore. I didn't want to be near the doctor anymore. I didn't want to be anything or anywhere at that moment. S and I scheduled the next u/s appointment and left the doctor's office. I was devestated and heartbroken. S was being strong for me. I could tell he was upset, sad, disappointed. He held my hand all the way home. I just looked out the window, thinking. I felt sick, both literally and figuratively. My body still thought I was pregnant, it was still producing all the pregnancy related hormones and I was still having all the pregnancy related side effects. I was tired, my breasts were sore and tender, I got sick throughout the day, and I was an emotional wreck. I still had a glimmer of hope somewhere in me. I wasn't giving up on jellybean, not then, not ever.....
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