I love watching Days of Our Lives. It's my soap opera. I get my daily dose of drama and in an hour it's over and out of my house. It's one of my tiny indulgences. I am an inpatient person so I DVR DOOL and ff through the commercials. Sometimes S will watch it with me. Although he probably wouldn't admit it, he enjoys watching DOOL about as much as I do. They introduced Chloe's struggle with infertility into the story line. I was interested. What was going to happen? Would she ever have children? Was she going to adopt? Was she going to go crazy like Nicole and kidnap a baby? I thought there was a DOOL miracle when Chloe took a pregnancy test, actually multiple pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. I was happy. If they thought she was infertile and couldn't have children and here she is pregnant then there is hope for S and I! Well, that was short lived. Of course Chloe's BF Daniel is a doctor and he got her in early for an U/S. I thought it was ridiculous them talking about finding out the sex of the baby so early (I seriously doubt even the best ultrasound tech in the country could determine the sex of a baby that at the most was 8 weeks or so). I could see the disappointment and pain in Chloe's face when they could not locate the baby. Apparently she had a hysterical pregnancy and she was in fact not pregnant. S was watching another episode of DOOL with me when Daniel told Chloe he had made her an appointment with a therapist. She did not go to the appointment and later told him that she was disappointed and needed him. She had just found out some bad news and he was ready to ship her off to the looney bin. People need time to grieve, in their own way. Some people race through the stages of grief, others go through the stages more slowly, sometimes getting stuck in a stage, sometimes go back and forth between stages. People need to give their loved ones time to grieve, in their own way. After I had my miscarriage I felt like people thought I shouldn't be sad all the time. Like they thought I should already be "over" it. First, my miscarriage will never ever be something that I just get "over". It will always be with me, I will never forget our jellybean. Second, I needed time to grieve in my own way. Just because I didn't get "over" my miscarriage in what other people thought was an acceptable time frame doesn't mean I needed to be shipped off to the looney bin. Honestly, I still hurt. I do think I have moved into the acceptance stage of grief but I still sometimes go back to other stages. I get depressed, I get angry, I don't want to believe this ever happened.
S and I had a talk that night after DOOL went off. He said that he still hurt too, that he still goes back to other stages of grief. He said he never thought I needed to be shipped off to a looney bin because I was sad and grieving the loss of our jellybean. He did say there were times he was worried about me because I was so sad. At those times he thought it might help me to talk to someone about my feelings but that he understood I needed time to deal with things in my own way. I told him that it still hurt, especially when I hear about other people's pregnancies. When my Dad was over the other night and he told me about my cousin's pregnancy I felt like I had been punched in the gut, all the air in my body left me, I felt light headed, I didn't know what to say or do. This sounds like a long drawn out process but it all only took about 3 seconds. S said he felt the same exact way and that after that feeling left him he immediately looked over at me to see if I was okay. We're there for one another. We don't want each other to hurt, to feel pain, to be disappointed. When one of us is falling down the other is there to catch us, to soften the fall, to take some of the pain away. I know S will always be there, holding my hand, squeezing it, he will never let go and neither will I.
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