S carried me out to eat for Valentine's Day. The restaurant we were going to was about an hours drive away. It was nice to talk to S and not have any distractions as we drove to the restaurant. Somehow the conversation moved to us TTC, having a baby, and our miscarriage. S told me that after the miscarriage he heard from a lot of people that after having a miscarriage you may have an easier time getting pregnant immediately after. He said he was hopeful about this but that after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months had passed he kind of gave up on that hope. He said he wanted it to happen again right away and that maybe that would take some of the pain of our miscarriage away. He said he knew we would have a baby one day and that when we do have our baby he is going to spoil it rotten. I knew that his parents had a difficult time conceiving him and tried for many years. After they had him they learned they would not be able to have any more children. So, they spoiled him. They gave him everything they possibly could.
Sometimes TTC just hurts so bad. It's getting your hopes up for the millionth time only to be let down and disappointed again. It's like losing something over and over again, month after month. You grieve and mourn month after month. It's a vicious cycle that will send you on an emotional roller coaster ride. Plain and simple, it sucks. I think that people who have not personally been through this or experienced the emotions and pain attached with TTC, infertility, and miscarriage really can't fully understand the depth of pain you experience month after month. People don't know what to say to you. It's like TTC, infertility, and miscarriage are a taboo thing. You just don't talk about it. It's something you hide.
I hurt. S hurts. But we have each other. I am so happy with our life. I love S with all of my heart. He is my husband and my best friend. I appreciate the life we have together right now. But, it's like a baby would complete our life. It's not that my life in incomplete with S, it's just we want to advance our family, our relationship. We want to have a baby. We want to be parents. We want to share our lives with our child. We want to take that next step and complete our family.
I want to keep the faith that we will one day have our baby. I don't want to give up. It's hard sometimes. Really hard. I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again. I don't want S to be hurt and disappointed again. But I just can't give up. It's been 20 months of TTC, 8 rounds of Clomid, and 1 miscarriage but I just can't give up.
When I got my BFP last year and I was pregnant I was so so so very happy. My faith, my faith in God, my faith in life, had started to fade. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Then, a miracle. We had our BFP, we were going to have our baby. My faith was restored, 110%. I thanked God everyday for this blessing he had given us. Then, something I never thought would happen, we lost our baby, our miracle, the blessing God had given us. I didn't understand and I still don't understand how life or God could be so cruel. I never thought such a cruel thing would happen to us. I mean we had been TTC for over a year, taken numerous rounds of Clomid, and we were ready for a baby. Who would have thought that a miscarriage would be the next cruel joke life would throw at us.
I always say that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure of the reason S and I have had such a difficult time conceiving and I'm not sure why we had a miscarriage. It just doesn't seem fair. But, I really do believe there is a reason for everything, I just haven't learned what the reasons are for all the pain S and I have experienced during the past 2 years.
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