Need a push?

I received one of those forwarded e-mails today from moma. It had a powerpoint slide show with an accompanying story. It was about needing a push. The website you can find the slide show and story on is
http://www.eaglesneedapush.com/
It is called "Even Eagles Need A Push". One could really apply this to anything in their life. Of course, I found this to be inspirational to me regarding TTC. Why did I have a miscarriage? I have always believed that there is a reason for everything. I have not discovered the reason for my miscarriage. I have been feeling like it just plain out right sucks. It's not fair. Why me? Why would there ever be a reason for someone to lose their baby? I have been reflecting on it and trying to find out what in the world the reason could be. I'm still not sure what the reason was but I do know that S and I have adopted a new healthier lifestyle. I'm dieting and exercising and losing weight (18 lbs to date). S has quit smoking, he stopped drinking regular sodas, and he has also lost some weight as an indirect result of me eating healthier and stocking the house with healthy good for you natural foods. Could this be the reason why we had a miscarriage? Could the reason be for us to get healthy? We have also drawn closer, a lot closer. We talk more openly about stuff, about anything and everything. We don't argue and fight as much either. I mean, we never had knock down drag out fights or anything but we would argue. We would get frustrated with one another and argue about stupid stuff. Now, we try to listen to one another and express our feelings, thoughts, and frustrations in a more calm manner.

Yesterday I went to the salon to get my hair cut and highlights and lowlights put back in (I love it!). My hair stylist knows that S and I have been TTC for a long time and that we had a miscarriage. The hair stylist that works beside her station also knew about it. So, when I went in yesterday my hair stylist said that the other stylist wanted to tell me something. She told me that she hoped I could find comfort in knowing that mine and S's baby was in heaven and that God, Jesus, and the Angels were taking care of them. Also, that we would meet our baby one day, that we would meet them in heaven. I did find comfort in this. It is something I myself have thought about. I think about our baby looking down on us, they are like our guardian angel. I know we will meet them again, someday. Someday we will hold them and hug them and kiss them. It's just really hard right now. After I was finished at the salon I had to go pick S up from work (the starter on his car gave out yesterday so I had to carry him to work and pick him up). On the drive home I was telling him about what the other stylist told me. He said he believed that too. That he knew, one day, whatever there was in the afterlife, we would meet our baby. He started crying and said that it still hurts him a lot. He said that just the day before he was driving home from work and he started humming "You Are My Sunshine" and before he realized it he was crying. I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and that we just needed to think about when we would meet our baby.

I am on CD22 today. My OPK's are getting darker, no positive yet though. So last night we were supposed to BD since the OPK's are getting darker. I started crying though. Losing our baby still hurts me so badly and to know that S is as affected by it as me hurts me even more. I don't want us to be sad all the time. I want us to live a long happy healthy life together. I want us to focus on the future, on the baby that is waiting for us, the baby we will have one day. I'm not saying that I want to forget our first baby, our jellybean. I will never forget them. They will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love them and think about them. After I started crying and finally calmed down enough to tell S why I was so upset, he just held me. He held me tight and didn't let go. It was nice.