slow down...speed bump ahead

It's been a long time since I have blogged about our journey to parenthood. Where are we at in our journey? We are at a speed bump, we had to slow down for a bit. We both were getting really stressed out with all of the TTC stuff. We also never really grieved and healed from the pain of losing Jellybean. So for right now, S and I are taking time for ourselves. I've been pampering myself - taking bubble baths, giving myself manicures and pedicures, buying new bras and clothes. It's been nice. We make love when we want to. Yes, I said make love, not BDing but making love. We are not trying right now but we aren't preventing it. If it happens it happens. We have an appointment with the specialist in January so for now we are just relaxing and going with the flow. I'm going to try to update more, get more of my feelings about TTC and TAB and my M/C out in the open instead of shoving them deep down inside of myself and letting them fester until I have a nervous breakdown. That's what point I was at when we decided to take a break. So for now, my thinking is "Que Sera sera, whatever will be will be"...until we go to the specialist, then I can obsess about TTC again :p

Life can be

Life can be cruel and unfair. We may encounter twists and turns and bumps in the road as we travel down the road that is our life. We can't stop though. We have to keep living. Things may happen to us that are so painful it feels like the air has been punched out of us. Those things, the pain and hurt, can be made worse by the people in our lives. People that don't understand what we are going through, the pain we have felt. These people may misconstrue the emotions we express. Maybe it's because they don't understand that they feel the need to label or explain our feelings and actions. Oftentimes, those labels and explanations will not be our true feelings and intentions. All of this can make the pain and hurt we feel worse. Sometimes all you need to hear is "everything is going to be okay" or "I love you" or "I'm here if you ever need to talk".

TTC emotions can be easily misunderstood

It's hard dealing with infertility, especially when no one in your real life understands what you are going through. Some people take the feelings and pain associated with IF and turn it into something ugly and crude. It puts an ugly face on an already difficult situation. I was told recently that I was "jealous, bitter, and full of hate". I am not jealous of pregnant women or people who have children. I am not bitter towards those people. I am not full of hate towards anyone. Those three things do not describe me. If I decide not to go to a baby shower or put myself in a situation where I will be around pregnant women or babies, I do that as kind of a self preservation. Some things bring too many painful feelings and memories to the surface. I don't think I should be blamed or be labeled as bitter and full of hate because i choose to not put myself in those situations. I am none of the things that I was recently called. The only feelings I have when around pregnant women or babies are feelings of failure and sadness. It reminds me of what S and I tried for for so very long. What we had for a brief moment. What we lost. What we may never have again. The "problem" lies with me so I do blame myself. It hurts. It sucks. It is made worse by insensitive people who do not truly understand mine and S's situation and our feelings about all of this. I have a lot more to say about this. This is a very big issue with TTC couples. It adds more pain, hurt, and confusion to an already hard situation that many do not understand.

Scripture

Jeremiah 29:11

16DPO=BF.....

BFN. Ugh. I'm so over this cycle. I stopped the progesterone suppositories today so AF should be here in a few days. I don't think I'm going to take the progesterone suppositories next cycle. My cycles are already longer than the "average" or "normal" cycle and taking the progesterone just makes it longer. When I do get my next BFP I'll start progesterone ASAP. I am hopeful but depressed about this long TTC road S and I have been on. I am hopeful that we got pregnant once we WILL get pregnant again. I am hopeful that our M/C was just a fluke and we will not suffer another one. I don't like the feeling TTC has given me. It's like a bad bad taste in my mouth that won't go away. I know that TTC has definitely made S and I closer. I know we are more patient with one another. We have rearranged our priorities in life and we know what we want. We are ready to be parents. I know that we will never ever take our child or being a parent for granted. It is something that we will cherish every second of every day.

S is so great. At 14DPO I got a BFN and I was depressed all day. When he got home from work that afternoon I was still in my PJ's. I crawled back in bed and covered myself up with all the sheets and blankets on the bed. S uncovered my head and kissed me. He said that it would be okay. You know, sometimes that is all you need to hear. I confessed to him that I have been feeling like all of this is my "fault". I know I'm not intentionally causing our difficulties with TTC but the "problem" lies with me. I told him that he would wind up resenting me one day if we never had a child. S looked at me so lovingly and said that if we never had a child he would be happy with me and our life together. He said that he married me for me not because I could give him a child. He said that he has loved me since we were 16 years old when we dated in high school and that he would always love me. He said that if we never had a child that would not make him love me any less and that if we had a dozen children that would not make him love me any more. He loves me for me. You know, in a big way that makes me feel so much better. I know he loves me, unconditionally, always. But in another way it makes me feel so much worse. He is a great man and I know he would be a great father and I may never be able to give him that. Ugh. It just sucks. That's all there is to it. It sucks. But at least I'm lucky enough to go through this with S. Someone who understands me, understands how this feels, and loves me for me.

14DPO

14DPO=BFN. I'm so sick of this. It hurts.

you want to pee on what?

S is so great. Friday night we went out to eat and on the way home I told him I needed to stop by CVS and pick something up. He waited in the car because I told him it would only take a minute. When I got back out to the car he asked what I had bought. It was HPTs. I told him that the ones I had just bought were the "good" ones and that I had cheap ones at home to satisfy my urge to pee on a stick. He thought that was funny so he said "well, if you run out of tests am I going to find you out in the yard peeing on sticks and twigs? Are you going to pee on one and say 'nope, that one didn't change colors'". Okay, it was funnier in the moment, I guess it was one of those you had to be there things. We laughed forever though. It was nice.

Saturday morning S woke up before me. I woke up shortly after and took my whoha pill. I'm supposed to lie down for 30 minutes after taking them. So after I got back in bed I got really thirsty. We just got iPhones this past week so instead of yelling for S I texted him. A few minutes later he came in the bedroom and I asked him if he would get me a glass of water. He looked kind of weird when he came back with the water and that is when he told me that when he got the text he thought I had taken one of the HPTs I had bought the night before. I felt horrible. I should have just yelled for him.

giraffe statues and iPhone cycle apps

A few weeks ago I had posted about 2 giraffe statues I found at a flea market that I really wanted to get. Well, S and I drove an hour to the flea market that afternoon and the giraffes were gone. We had been there about 4-5 days before that. Since then I have been looking everywhere for giraffe statues. I finally found 2 at Burke's Outlet yesterday. They are not wood like the ones from the flea market, they are leather. They are not as tall as the ones from the flea market, one is about 2 1/2 feet and the other is about 1 1/2 feet. However, all in all, I am very happy with my giraffe statues!

S and I got iPhones yesterday. Yeah, we are a little bit late but we are catching up! I love my iPhone. There is so much to do on it. I am an organizational freak and the iPhone caters to this obsessiveness over organization that I have. I currently have 5 different cycle/ovulation/fertility apps on my phone. They were all free too! I am trying all 5 out and then I will decide maybe on my favorite top 2. So far I really like the FMC one. It is by fertilityfriend.com and it tracks your cycle as well as your fertile days. There is another app by BabyMed that is just so awesome. It allows you to put in when your LMP was or when your O day was and how long your average cycle is. Then it gives you a list of where you are at in your cycle. Not just what cycle day but also when to start OPK's, when your fertility begins, when your O day is, when implantation occurs, when you can get a +BPT, when you can get a 50%+HPT and 95%+HPT. It is so awsome. It also has a pregnancy tracker and hopefully I will need it soon!

Tom Petty had it right.....

.....oooo the waiting is the hardest part

CD17 update

Today is CD17. Moe gave me a High Fertility reading this morning. The past 2 mornings Moe gave me a Peak Fertility reading so S and I BD'd both days. We plan on BD'ing today also. It would be so awesome if this cycle worked. I really don't want to go through my original due date still not pregnant. I now that day is going to be painful. I've read some stuff online that says pineapple is good for implantation. Something about the enzymes and antioxidants in it helps aid in implantation. I've had some women on message boards to tell me this also. Well, I'm eating some fresh pineapple and drinking some pineapple juice (not from concentrate) so we shall see. I've got to find something to do or think about during this TWW, it's already killing me and I'm 1DPO. I plan on testing 14DPO and maybe going in for a BPT that day.

I'm still debating on whether or not I want to take the progesterone suppossotories. I just don't want to do something and that messes something up or I don't want to not do something and that messes something up. Ugh. I just don't know. I'm probably going to take it because my progesterone was low with my first pregnancy. Some of the stuff I've read online says that if you wait till you find out your pregnant and start taking progesterone that it may already be too late for the progesterone support to be of any help. It makes sense, I mean that would be like 2 weeks or so that a baby would be trying to implant and develop with me having low progesterone. I've got school work to keep me busy and I really need to give the house a good cleaning, like a really really good spring cleaning. I can work on S's blanket I'm crocheting. I am really going to try and have it ready for him this Christmas. I've just been working on it for like 5 years, yikes!

Oh, and I've been thinking about mine and S's WDW vacation. If this cycle is successful, we won't be able to go. I'll be 30 something weeks and I don't think it would be a good idea to travel so far away from home and my doctor and be walking around the parks all day. What I am thinking is.....if I am not pregnant by the time we book our vacation (sometime in June) then we should be okay to go. But, if I am pregnant by the time we book our vacation we will probably need to cancel the trip. I don't want to risk anything. We have wanted a baby for so long and we have tried so hard. Plus we could use that money to buy things for the baby that we need, like, oh, everything! No, seriously, we have a few things we have accumulated since we started TTC. We have a bouncy seat, a bassinet, and a few clothes (mostly unisex onesies).


S and I went to the flea market this past weekend and there were these 2 giraffes that I wanted so badly. They were wooden, I think, and didn't look "cartooney". One was about 3 feet tall and the other probably about 2 feet tall. I wanted them so bad, I just thought they would look absolutely precious in a nursery. I didn't get them though. This is what the giraffe statues looked like (see picture). Cute, aren't they? I think they would be so cute in either a boys or girls nursery. You could do like a jungle theme or even if you did like a pink / black or pink / brown or blue / black or blue / brown theme the giraffes would look cute setting over in a corner. I want them! Maybe S will get off of work early today and we can go get them! Maybe?

return to sender

I have been really trying to stay positive this cycle. I've been trying to not get so anxious and be so stressed out all the time. A few days ago I posted a blog about my cousin's upcoming baby shower. She is due in May and I knew I would be receiving the invitation in the mail any day. Well, it came today. Ugh. S always gets the mail when he gets home from work and he had it folded in half with a sales flyer on the outside. He handed me the mail and said "it's just all crap, throw it out". Well, I looked at all the mail. All of it was crap and then...the baby shower invitation. Ugh. Funny thing though, it is this Sunday. So not even a weeks notice. Maybe I'm biased because I just don't want to go to a baby shower or because this is this cousin's third child or maybe because I'm surrounded by friggin fertile freaks. Ugh. Oh yeah, my point was that that's not even a weeks notice for her baby shower. Seems kind of rude to me. But again, maybe I'm just the biased crazy infertile with nothing but furbabies. So yeah, I'm not going. I don't think I should have to give any excuses or reasons either. Deal with it. I know it would be really hard on me to go. First, it is a friggin baby shower for my cousin that is due in May, my original due date month. Second, I am the only cousin who does not have children. Some have 2 and 3 children and I still have none. Third, I don't want to put up with the friggin stupid a$$ comments like "well it'll be your turn next" or "when are S and you going to have a baby" or the weird glances or stares. Ugh. Yeah, I'm so definitely not going.

On a much happier note.....happy happy joy joy. I'm still excited and happy about Moe giving me a peak fertility reading this morning. I took another OPK this afternoon and it was really positive, like a lot darker than the control line, even more so than the one I took this morning. S and I got our BD'ing in and depending on what Moe says the next 2 days we will be doing a lot more. S and I talked about me starting the progesterone suppossotories and I think I'm going to. I mean, my progesterone was low with my first pregnancy and it ended with M/C. I don't want that to happen again. Our feelings on it is that if I waited until I got a +HPT or BPT and my progesterone is low it may be too late to save the pregnancy. That would be up to 2 weeks or so that I would have low progesterone. And if my progesterone is low the pregnancy may not even take. So, I will be taking whoha pills again. I'm going to start them 3-4 DPO. So I guess after Moe goes back to a high fertility reading I will know that I have indeed O'd and then I'll start the whoha pills 3-4 days later. I'll take a HPT 14DPO and if it is negative I'll go in for a BPT and if it is negative I'll stop the whoha pills and then wait on AF and the next cycle. If my HPT and BPT are positive I'll have my progesterone checked and will probably be told by the doctor to continue it till I'm 12 weeks, she may even want to up my dosage.

I'm not going to think about my cousin's baby shower anymore. If anyone calls me about it I'll just tell them I'm not going, plain and simple. I'm not giving excuses or reasons as to why and I'm sure as heck not going and putting on a fake happy smile and making nice with everyone while I'm dying on the inside. Nope, not gonna do that.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am doing my Happy Happy Joy Joy dance right now. Why? Well, Moe gave me a peak fertiltiy reading this morning! WOOHOO! I was so excited to see the 3 bars with the little eggie on my monitor. So what does Peak Fertility mean? After referring back to Moe's instruction booklet it says that "Peak Fertility will be indicated on the day of the LH surge, as well as the following day(p17)". Well, what is an LH surge? LH is luteinizing hormone, a hormone that triggers ovulation to occur approximately 24-36 hours later. So I received my first Peak Fertility reading this morning, meaning I am about to ovulate, in about 24-36 hours. That means that today and tomorrow will be the best times to BD. After the 2 days of Peak Fertility readings Moe should give me one more day of High Fertility because the egg can survive for up to 24 hours after ovulation and has a chance of being fertilized then. After this, I should go back to getting Low Fertiltiy readings and then I will enter the TWW! So, if my actual O day is tomorrow, CD16, then on CD30 I should be 14DPO and should be able to test. That is nearly a "normal" cycle. Does anyone really realize what that means to me, for me? I seriously seriously do not think I have ever had a "normal" cycle and now here I am like 2 days off from a "normal" cylce.

EEE! I am just feeling really optimistic about this cycle. Oh, I don't want to get my hopes up just to be disappointed in a few weeks. But I don't want to be negative about it either. Mine and S's future baby needs positive energy, that starts with the egg and sperm, positive energy. Okay, now I sound like some hippy dippy new age freakola. But I really do believe that being positive about this and sending positive energy out and taking positive energy in will help with my anxiousness and stress.



I am such an organizational neat freak. So of course I have charts and spreadsheets for all of mine and S's TTC information, including my cycle information. So I went back and looked at all of my cycles since S and I started TTC and I got my average cycle length, which is 36 days. So I know when my O day is, I know what day I should test, what about my EDD if this cycle is successful? Well, based on my O date, my EDD would be 12/7/10. I know if you have been TTC for any length of time you have done that too, looked up what your EDD would be if that cycle was successful. Haven't you? If you go by my LMP based on my average cycles length of 36 days (which I think I'm O'ing earlier this cycle) my EDD would be 12/14/10, that is with my LP being an average of 14 days. I averaged my LP for the cycles since S and I started TTC and the average was 13.875 days, so that is right there at 14 days. The only thing is they varied a great deal. Guestimating when my O date was using OPKs, my shortest LP was 11 days and my longest was 18 days. That is a pretty big difference.

I have progesterone suppossotories (200mg) left over from when I was pregnant. My doctor told me that I could take 1 a day after I O'd because I was concerned with my low progesterone levels. I'm just not sure if I should or not. I don't want to mess anything up with taking them or without taking them. Maybe I could go in for a 7DPO progesterone BW level and if my levels are low I could start taking the suppossotories then. I think I am going to go in for a BPT too. When I got my BFP the HPT was showing negative, even the one in the doctor's office, but the BPT showed positive. It was a few days later before the HPT was showing positive. AGH! I just need to relax and stop over analyzing everything and getting stressed out. Positive energy in, positive engery out.

Wish me luck!

upcoming baby showers

I know it is only a matter of time before I get that cute little blue or pink invitation in the mail for my cousin's baby shower. I found out a few weeks ago that she is pregnant with #3 and is due in May. Yep, May, my due date month. *sighs* I just can't go. I'll send a gift. Maybe a gift card. I just can't shop for baby stuff and go to a baby shower. I just can't. I can't for my own mental health.

Oh, and if my other cousin does stay with his girlfriend who is pregnant by another guy, I think she is due in September. So there is another baby shower I know will be coming up. Sorry. I just can't go.

And I really don't think I should have to give explanations to people as to why I will not be attending their baby shower, do I?

Sorry cousin but S and I have been TTC for nearly 2 years and we have had a miscarriage that broke our hearts, I just don't feel up to celebrating your pregnancy right now.

OR: sorry cousin, but I won't be able to attend your baby shower, that is my estimated O day and S and I will be BD'ing like crazy little rabbits. Sorry. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: Sorry cousin, but I won't be albe to attend your baby shower, I will be 14DPO that day and am planning on POAS that AM. If I get a BFP I will be so ecstatic that I will literally be shaking all day and I'll be a nervous wreck about having another M/C so I won't be able celebrate with you and if I get a BFN I will either be on the bathroom floor crying for most of the day or curled up in a ball in my bed crying for most of the day. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I can't handle everyone asking when S and I are planning on having a baby. Hello nosy family member, we just BD'd this AM, wanna look in my whoha and see if S's spermies are swimming the right way? Oh yeah, congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I can't handle the "guess your due date" game because you are due in May and if I hear May 5th, my due date, I may just break down and have to be hauled off to the looney bin. Oh, and congratulations.

OR: sorry cousin, but I just can't handle all the weird looks, stares, and glances from nosy family members who are talking about me to other nosy family members. "When do you think she'll ha ve kids?" "Who knows, maybe they don't want them" "Maybe they can't have kids" "Who do you think it is, him or her?" Or worse, all the sympathetic pity looks or the comments "It will happen when it is suppossed to happen" or "Maybe you just aren't suppossed to have kids" or "In God's time" or whatever other comment anyone can come up with that will only make me feel worse. Oh, and a big friggin congratulations to you fertile cousin.

Maybe I should just give a generic excuse for not attending: Sorry Cousin, I have a wicked stomach virus and will be on the toilet all day. I don't want to get everyone sick, especially you and your precious little bundle of joy. Yes, I do have a wicked stomach virus and NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! Oh, and congratulations you fertile myrtle.

CD12

Moe is still giving me high readings. Today is CD12 and my fifth day of high readings. I'm also taking OPK's to compare with what Moe tells me. My OPK's are getting darker. I'm really thinking I may O early this cycle. My OPK is more than half as dark as the control line so I'm thinking I may O within the next 3-5 days?

I've been feeling really tired and exhausted here lately. Like just really fatigued and little or no energy. I went to my family doctor yesterday because of this and because I had not been for a check up since January 2009. She is doing a lot of bloodwork to see what is going on. She ordered a CBC, and she is checking my iron, thyroid, and blood sugar. She thinks I may have low iron because of the M/C and since then AF has been heavier with clots and more painful. Me feeling tired all the time started before I started dieting and exercising so I really don't think it is because of my reduced calories or increase in physical activity. Also, my doctor doesn't think it is my blood sugar because I have lost weight (22 lbs since the first of the year!) and because I'm on Metformin for PCOS. I had my thyroid checked in August 2008, shortly after S and I started TTC, and it was fine. I know things can change over time but my impression from my doctor was that she is leaning more towards the low iron causing my tiredness. I'll find out sometime next week. I just hope it is something simple and not something that is going to affect S and I TTC or my weight loss.

Yesterday I went to Sally Beauty Supply to pick up some nail polish. While I was there I heard the woman who was working at the front talking on the phone. I could tell by her voice that she was talking about someone who was either A. pregnant B. having a baby soon or C. had just recently had a baby. I just knew it. Guess what, I was right. She was talking to someone about someone who had just went to the hospital that day and was going into labor. Ugh. My heart sank, right to my stomach, and then I thought I was going to throw up. Why? Why did this upset me. I don't even know these people. For all I know this woman who was about to have her baby has been through the same or worse problems with TTC that S and I have had. I'm not jealous, well, maybe a little. But more so, it reminds me of what S and I don't have. Of what we have been trying so very hard for, for so very long. Of what happened to us, about us losing the baby. It makes me wonder if we will ever have our own little miracle. I admit, it does make me a little jealous but really it makes me hurt for what S and I have lost and may never have again. It just really sucks. It sucks when you want something so badly, when your heart yearns for something, and you nearly had what you have dreamed of for so long and then it is snatched away from you.

If you have read some of my other posts, you'll know that my 18 year old cousin moved in with a girl that is pregnant by another man. He is going to "stick it out" with her and help raise the baby as if it were his own. You know, if they are really in love and that is what he wants to do, then all the best of luck to them. But, again, it makes my heart sink to my stomach and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My aunt and other cousin came over to my house the other day and my aunt started talking about it. She said that if he stays with that girl and they get married there will be a new baby in the family. She said that he told her he would be a "daddy" and there would be another cousin in the family. I just looked at her and told her I didn't want to hear anything about it. I saw my other cousin lean over to her and I can just assume what he said to her. Hopefully it was something to the affect of S and I have been through a lot and stuff like that upsets us. Honestly, I just think "IT'S NOT FAIR". I know I shouldn't think that way. Again, I don't know this girls whole life story. I mean, I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. But I just can't get away from feeling like stuff like this is not fair. Why? Why can't S and I have our baby? We would cherish our child. We would never take them for granted. Ugh. I know I know I know there is a reason S and I are having a difficult time. Maybe it's to bring us closer together, which it has. Maybe it was to get us to be healthier, which we have. Maybe it was so that we would appreciate our blessing when we do get it, OMG we will totally appreciate it. I don't know. UGH. I'm tired of thinking and quite honestly, I'm tired of thinking there is a reason for everything. Maybe some things just suck, plain and simple.

Sorry this is such a pity party post. I didn't intend for it to be this way. Ugh. I just had to get some feelings out.

Today is CD9. This morning Moe gave me another high fertility reading. Could I really O at the "average" and "normal" time of CD14 this cycle? I guess it really doesn't matter when I O just as long as I do O and we catch it!

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

Moe, my CBE fertiltiy monitor, gave me a high fertility reading this morning. What?!?! Today is CD8. Moe's instructions say that you can get up to 5 days of high fertility readings before you get your peak fertility reading. Still, if I got the whole 5 days of high fertility readings that means I'll be O'ing around CD13-14? Since S and I started TTC I have used OPK's regularly, every cycle. I always "thought" my O day was around CD18-CD20 or so, give or take a day or 2. Have I been missing my O time? The month we got our BFP we were not trying. By not trying I mean I was taking OPK's but not regularly. I never got a positive OPK that month and I stopped taking them on CD19. We were not timing our BD sessions. My doctor thinks I O'd late that month because when we got our BFP it was through a BPT, the HPT was still showing negative. I posted about possibly O'ing early on a TTC message board that I frequently visit. Some of the ladies on there said that you can O more than once per cycle and that sometimes your O time can change. I'm going to try and not stress and worry and over analyze this. S and I will BD when Moe tells us to :p and hopefully we'll have our BFP soon! The $200 I spent on Moe and the test strips that goes with him will so be worth getting a BFP. I also wonder if me losing weight and eating better and exercising could be changing my cycle? Maybe it's getting me more towards a "normal" cycle length. Ah, who knows, I'm just excited and feeling very optimistic!

When will it be my turn?

Did anyone watch The Office baby show last night? I love that show. I don't watch it on a regular basis and usually catch it in reruns. I've seen the previews for last nights show for a week or 2 now. I couldn't watch it. I just couldn't. Why does it seem like everywhere I look there are pregnant women and babies galore? So I skipped watching The Office baby show for my own sanity and self preservation.

Has your DH or SO ever told you something that completely melted your heart and you realize how much they really do love you? And it's something that they don't even realize means so much to you. S's friend from work was going to the beach with another friend this weekend. He asked S if he wanted to go with them. S said no because he couldn't get off work and we were saving money for WDW. After his friend arrived at the beach he called S while he was at work saying that he should have came with them. He went on to tell S how much they had drank and that the condo next to theirs had 4 single girls staying in it and they were trying to get the girls to come over and "party" with them. Ugh, single guys. S told his "friend" that that was not his scene. He is a married man. He didn't want to get drunk and possibly do something that he would regret or that would hurt me. He didn't want to be getting drunk with them while they were trying to "hook up" with a bunch of single girls at the beach. S's "friend" told him that he would let him do whatever he wanted and would never tell on him. WHAT! I was in shock. I thought it was a total disrespect to 1. ME 2. S's and mines marriage and 3. S himself. Guess what...S said the same exact thing. It just melted my heart. He doesn't want to go out getting drunk chasing girls. He wants to be at home with me. *sighs* I just love that man. It was then that S and I got to talking about how people change. Sometimes, you may be great friends with someone when you are a teenager or during a certain part of your life. But then, people grow, people mature, sometimes differently. That is what has happened with a lot of people I once knew.

Speaking of everywhere I look seeing pregnant women or babies, my 18 y/o male cousin has moved in with his 16 y/o pregnant (by another man) girlfriend (1st gf) whom he has known for exactly 1 month. Do I really have to go into how this makes me feel? If you have suffered with IF or have had a difficult time TTC you probably know how I feel about this one. First, I love my cousin and don't want to see him get hurt. He is at a crossroads right now and I hope he chooses the right path for him, whatever that may be. Second, it's just not friggin fair that God or life or whatever controls the universe would allow a 16 y/o kid get pregnant and not me. This girl's "baby daddy" left her, she lives at home with her parents, she has a "reputation" around town, and it's just not fair. When will it be my turn? S and I are ready. We are in a loving relationship, we have been married going on 6 years. We are both emotionally and financially ready for a child of our own. We WANT this. When oh when oh when will it be our turn?

Yesterday was my weigh-in day for the week. I was down another 1.5 lbs! Woohoo! That is a total weight loss of 21 lbs since the first of the year. I've just got, well, A LOT more to go, let's leave it at that.

Tomorrow my CBE FM should ask me to POAS. Is it weird that I'm excited about this? I'm curious too to see when or if the CBE FM says I'm O'ing.

I'm ready for it to be my turn. Like so ready.

miscarriage emotional artwork

Sometimes words just can't express everything that I am feeling. I started off with a blank piece of paper. I added black pastels and smeared it over the entire sheet. I then added water colors in deep dark reds. I lightly brushed diluted black pain over one side of the paper, which represents all the dark feelings associated with my miscarriage, the dark feelings that I am pouring out of my heart. The heart was created on a seperate sheet of paper, cut out, and pasted onto my painted sheet. I included torn pieces of paper, cardboard, and aluminum foil on the cut out heart to create dimension and ruggedness, signifying the hurt and pain my heart has experienced. Deep dark red paint is painted over the heart. I outlined the heart in black paint, a shell that has formed around my heart. The shell is exploding on the right side of the paper with all of the dark feelings pouring out and going off the edge of the paper. The reds on the left side and bottom of the sheet signifies hurt, pain, anger, and fear that surrounds my heart.

I am not an artist. Most people will probably think this looks like sh*t but it is my feelings poured out onto paper in a way that needs no words. A way that I can express my feelings when I can't find the words.

Where is my golden ticket?

Last night was the premiere of Parenthood on NBC. The previews were promising and it had limited commercial interruption so I watched it. While I was watching it I started to wonder if I should even be watching this show about parenthood. S and I are not parents. This show is specifically designed for people with children. I started to feel as if you needed a special golden ticket to be allowed to watch this show. A ticket S and I don't have. A ticket we want more than anything in the world. A ticket we have longed for and tried for. A ticket we did have at one time before a cruel twist of fate blew the wind our way taking our special golden ticket with it. Am I going to watch this show again. Probably. I'm a gluten for punishment. Need proof? Last night while going to bed I decided to watch a little bit of television because I was not sleepy. S drifted off right away because yesterday was his 9th straight day of work, only 3 days to go before he gets a break. What show did I pick? Pushing the knife a little bit harder and deeper into my scarred up heart I choose to watch I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. See what I mean about being a gluten for punishment. I watched 2 episodes of this program. 2 episodes and 3 stories later I turned off the TV in disgust. Not disgust at the show or the women on the show but at myself. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I feel like a failure that I can't give S and I what we want the most, a baby to complete our family. Oh, and I saw on E! News last night that Kate Gosselin is going to be on Dancing With The Stars. She's going to all these premiers, book tours, DWTS, what else? She has 8 kids at home. 8! All S and I want is 1 (we would be happy with as many children as God or life or whatever has in store for us, 1, 2, 3, or more!). I got p*ssed. Shouldn't she be at home with her kids? I would have so much more respect for her if she was at home taking care of her kids, cooking them dinner, helping them with homework, and tucking them into bed instead of running around like she is some kind of celebrity. I mean she wanted these kids, right? She went through treatments (IUI I think) to have them so why does it seem like she is taking this great gift, this great blessing, for granted? I would not want to waste a minute, a second of being away from my kids. Ugh. I just get so frustrated sometimes, well, actually, a lot of the times. Where is my friggin golden ticket into the joys of parenthood?

Stand in the corner and scream with me

I love music. Music is very soothing and calming to me. I like to listen to music when I'm driving, when I'm cleaning, when I'm doing school work, when I'm taking a shower, and when I'm doing nothing. There is a great online music radio station that I listen to. It has all types of genres of music. I especially like the top alternative station. I heard a song by Mudvayne, a group I usually don't like too well. The song is Stand in the corner and scream with me. I really like it. It's been stuck in my head, playing over and over like a broken record.

This morning after I woke up I went to the bathroom. I started using my CBE fertility monitor this AM. I did not have to take a test, peeing on sticks will start on CD6. However, I do have to turn the CBE FM on every morning and see if it asks for a test. When I was in the bathroom the craziest thought ran across my mind. What if I am pregnant? What? Why in the world would I even think that I could be pregnant right now. AF is here, like big time. I thought about peeing on a stick, an HPT. Why oh why oh why do I think like this. Am I just a POASaholic? Is TTC driving me crazy? Sometimes it feels like it is. Oh, like for an example, when I am on CD2 with AF still here and I think about taking an HPT because I *might* be pregnant. Or, when I take a test, doesn't matter what kind of test, could be an HPT or OPK, and I search for the line. I turn the pee stick this way and that way. I stand on one leg holding my nose hopping across the bathroom to find the best light to see that all too elusive line. Or, when it seems like everything around me is shouting babies babies babies. Like an automotive insurance commercial, hate that one, makes me cry every time. Or like TV shows that have pregnant characters or characters who just had a baby or characters who just had a M/C or characters who wanted a baby so badly that they made their body think they were pregnant (thanks DOOL). I think it's just because TTC is the main thing on my mind most days, most hours, most minutes, heck, most every second. I try to keep myself busy. I try to keep myself distracted. School work is a nice distraction and it's something I've got to do most everyday. Planning our WDW trip is a nice distraction. At least it is giving me something to look forward to. I like scrapbooking and doing arts and crafts stuff. I finally set up my little scrapbooking/crafts corner in the computer room. It's a small area but it's nice and organized and it's all mine! There are pictures I need to have printed so that I can do more scrapbooking. Now that I have my scrapbooking station I can work on a page for as long as I want to. If I need to leave it and finish it the next day I'll be able to. So that is a nice distraction. I like to crochet. I've been working on S a blanket since the year we got married, so that has been over 5 years and I still haven't finished it. I get on a crocheting kick and I'll work on it for a day or 2 and then I won't work on it for months. Speaking of crocheting, when I was organizing my scrapbooking/craft station, I found some yarn that I had bought a long time ago. It is for a baby blanket. The baby that S and I have dreamed about for so long. I put it on the bottom of my yarn basket. Hopefully we'll have our baby, our miracle, soon and I can start working on their blanket.

If you are TTC and feel like it is driving you a little crazy from time to time, go ahead and stand in the corner and scream with me. It helps.

Bad news or good news

Well, the bad news is that I got AF. Boo. The good news is that my last cycle was 32 days. The bad news, again, is that I really don't think I O'd this past cycle. The good news is that I will be trying out the CBE fertility monitor this cycle.

I'm trying to not get discouraged. I'm trying to think positive. I'm wondering if my weight loss is helping to get me more to a "normal" cycle length. I hope that I did O this past cycle and that I just missed it with the OPKs.

I've been trying to keep busy with school work and planning our WDW trip. Trying not to think too much about TTC. Trying not to think too much about how easy it seems to be for everyone else. Trying not to think of how unfair this is. I would be 31 weeks this Wednesday. I know I shouldn't keep reminding myself of how far along I would be but I can't help it. Every Wednesday I think I should be "X" weeks pregnant today. I think about how S and I would be finishing up on the nursery. I think about how I would be going to the doctor every 1-2 weeks now. I think about how big my tummy would be with mine and S's baby growing inside. I think about how we would have known for weeks now what the sex of our baby was. I think about it being about time for my baby shower. Gah! I just think way too much. So that is why school work and planning the WDW trip are nice distractions. It gives me something else to think about. It gives me a break from driving myself crazy with all this thinking.

miscarriage emotions

I have never been an "artist". I can not draw or paint worth a hill of beans. I can barely draw a stick man. However, I find painting and drawing to be very therapeutic. I do get frustrated when I can't put on paper what I am feeling, what I am intending to be on the paper. This drawing was done with pastels. I love using them. They are fun to use and you can blend them to make different colors and shades. Your hands get messy but hey, I have soap and water. I wanted to put on paper my miscarriage emotions and feelings. I wanted to express these feelings without words. I knew I wanted to use the color black for the center of the page. For me, black represents some of my worst feelings, depression, and a feeling like there is no way out. The red symbolizes a lot of things and feelings. First, red represents the blood, my miscarriage. It also represents anger and fear. I wanted to blend out the red so that it got lighter towards the edges where I included white. The white is like the little ray of sunshine of hope that has slowly reentered my mind and body. The center of the page is supposed to be a representation of me holding mine and S's baby. I wanted it to look like the wind was blowing me and the baby away, like dust. I know this is by no means a "masterpiece". I know that I am not an "artist" and that most people will look at this and see nothing but a big blob of red and black. But for me, it is a "masterpiece". It is my feelings poured out onto paper for the whole world to see.

Shh! It's a secret!

S and I have decided that when we do get our next BFP we are not going to tell ANYONE until I am in the 2nd trimester. We may even wait until I'm around 20 weeks, when we find out the sex. I think this will be for the best. We were so excited with our first pregnancy we announced it early and to a lot of people. We will not do that again. I also think it will be good for us to have that time together as a couple, with just us knowing, kind of like a great little secret. We will be able to enjoy the pregnancy and not have to worry about people asking questions or giving us advice.

I don't think us telling people early with our first pregnancy was stupid or a mistake. We were excited. We had every right to be over the moon excited. We had been TTC for a year. We had just given up after my first cycle off of Clomid. We so didn't think we were pregnant. I was even asking the doctor for Provera to induce AF because I was late. It was our first pregnancy, our first baby. We wanted to share our happiness with anyone and everyone who would listen. But then, everything fell apart. We lost our baby, we lost our happiness, and everyone knew about it. Everyone knew we were hurting and in pain. Everyone knew that our little miracle, our jellybean was gone.

Yes, I think it will be for the best to keep our next little jellybean a secret for a while. What will we call our next jellybean? I just can't call him/her jellybean. Hmmm...how about - peanut, or piglet. Whatever we call him/her they will be loved so very much by their Mommy and Daddy.

I wanna hold your hand

I love watching Days of Our Lives. It's my soap opera. I get my daily dose of drama and in an hour it's over and out of my house. It's one of my tiny indulgences. I am an inpatient person so I DVR DOOL and ff through the commercials. Sometimes S will watch it with me. Although he probably wouldn't admit it, he enjoys watching DOOL about as much as I do. They introduced Chloe's struggle with infertility into the story line. I was interested. What was going to happen? Would she ever have children? Was she going to adopt? Was she going to go crazy like Nicole and kidnap a baby? I thought there was a DOOL miracle when Chloe took a pregnancy test, actually multiple pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. I was happy. If they thought she was infertile and couldn't have children and here she is pregnant then there is hope for S and I! Well, that was short lived. Of course Chloe's BF Daniel is a doctor and he got her in early for an U/S. I thought it was ridiculous them talking about finding out the sex of the baby so early (I seriously doubt even the best ultrasound tech in the country could determine the sex of a baby that at the most was 8 weeks or so). I could see the disappointment and pain in Chloe's face when they could not locate the baby. Apparently she had a hysterical pregnancy and she was in fact not pregnant. S was watching another episode of DOOL with me when Daniel told Chloe he had made her an appointment with a therapist. She did not go to the appointment and later told him that she was disappointed and needed him. She had just found out some bad news and he was ready to ship her off to the looney bin. People need time to grieve, in their own way. Some people race through the stages of grief, others go through the stages more slowly, sometimes getting stuck in a stage, sometimes go back and forth between stages. People need to give their loved ones time to grieve, in their own way. After I had my miscarriage I felt like people thought I shouldn't be sad all the time. Like they thought I should already be "over" it. First, my miscarriage will never ever be something that I just get "over". It will always be with me, I will never forget our jellybean. Second, I needed time to grieve in my own way. Just because I didn't get "over" my miscarriage in what other people thought was an acceptable time frame doesn't mean I needed to be shipped off to the looney bin. Honestly, I still hurt. I do think I have moved into the acceptance stage of grief but I still sometimes go back to other stages. I get depressed, I get angry, I don't want to believe this ever happened.

S and I had a talk that night after DOOL went off. He said that he still hurt too, that he still goes back to other stages of grief. He said he never thought I needed to be shipped off to a looney bin because I was sad and grieving the loss of our jellybean. He did say there were times he was worried about me because I was so sad. At those times he thought it might help me to talk to someone about my feelings but that he understood I needed time to deal with things in my own way. I told him that it still hurt, especially when I hear about other people's pregnancies. When my Dad was over the other night and he told me about my cousin's pregnancy I felt like I had been punched in the gut, all the air in my body left me, I felt light headed, I didn't know what to say or do. This sounds like a long drawn out process but it all only took about 3 seconds. S said he felt the same exact way and that after that feeling left him he immediately looked over at me to see if I was okay. We're there for one another. We don't want each other to hurt, to feel pain, to be disappointed. When one of us is falling down the other is there to catch us, to soften the fall, to take some of the pain away. I know S will always be there, holding my hand, squeezing it, he will never let go and neither will I.

where is my +OPK?

Yesterday was CD24. I still have not gotten a + OPK. UGH! I'm seriously thinking this cycle may be annovulatory. I'm going to continue taking OPK's for a few more days. At least next cycle I have the CBE fertility monitor to try out. Maybe it will be more accurate and easier to use. I've got to start doing better on my diet and exercise. I'm still doing it I'm just not doing as much as I know I could be. I found a couple of quotes today that helped inspire me:

Stop finding excuses for not doing something.....start thinking of potential rewards.

The reason most people fail instead of succeed.....they trade what they want the MOST for what they want at the MOMENT.

I printed those out and I've got a copy on my treadclimber and a copy on my whiteboard so I can look at them while I'm exercising, just a little something to help with motivation.

Yesterday was my niece's school beauty walk and she won! She won in her division and she won Miss Congeniality. I am so proud of her! My dad came down to go to the beauty walk and then he came over here to eat supper with S and I. While I was getting supper together he started talking about the Adkins diet. He said my cousin was alternating it with another diet every other week. He also told me that she is pregnant. WHAT!? She is dieting while she is pregnant? And he said that she would lose like 8-10 lbs when she did the Adkins diet for a week. WHAT!? I really hope he has his facts wrong and that she was doing that before she got pregnant and not while she is pregnant. I didn't even know she was pregnant. Oh, and guess when she is due.....May. Yep, my due date month. *sighs*

S could tell I was upset. Of course I had all kinds of dreams about babies and TTC last night. One of the dreams was that I had numerous miscarriages and no baby yet (I think that one was because we watched The Time Traveler's Wife the other night). So I was at the hospital talking to my doctor and I was telling her about not getting a +OPK this cycle and she was saying we could try Clomid again. Maybe this was my subconscious letting me know that deep down I really do want to try the Clomid again. I'm going to stick to the plan though. We are going to try the CBE FM for the remainder of this year while I diet and exercise and really work on losing some weight. Then we can try Clomid again, maybe late fall or after the first of the year.

I know it will happen, some day, some how. It just sucks that everybody else can have numerous children and S and I are struggling for our first. It also sucks that some of the people that can have children so easily are the ones that don't want them.....or the young'uns who aren't responsible enough to have them (I'm not saying that all young'uns are not responsible enough to have children but the majority of them seem like it).....or the ones who have drug addict husbands....*sighs*. Speaking of young'uns who aren't responsible enough to have children.....my 18 y/o cousin is dating a girl that is pregnant (she is 16 y/o). It's not his baby. He says that he is going to "stick it out" with her though. *sighs* Sometimes I just really really really feel like this is just not fair. I know I know I know that there is a reason for everything but right now I just feel like poo.

Need a push?

I received one of those forwarded e-mails today from moma. It had a powerpoint slide show with an accompanying story. It was about needing a push. The website you can find the slide show and story on is
http://www.eaglesneedapush.com/
It is called "Even Eagles Need A Push". One could really apply this to anything in their life. Of course, I found this to be inspirational to me regarding TTC. Why did I have a miscarriage? I have always believed that there is a reason for everything. I have not discovered the reason for my miscarriage. I have been feeling like it just plain out right sucks. It's not fair. Why me? Why would there ever be a reason for someone to lose their baby? I have been reflecting on it and trying to find out what in the world the reason could be. I'm still not sure what the reason was but I do know that S and I have adopted a new healthier lifestyle. I'm dieting and exercising and losing weight (18 lbs to date). S has quit smoking, he stopped drinking regular sodas, and he has also lost some weight as an indirect result of me eating healthier and stocking the house with healthy good for you natural foods. Could this be the reason why we had a miscarriage? Could the reason be for us to get healthy? We have also drawn closer, a lot closer. We talk more openly about stuff, about anything and everything. We don't argue and fight as much either. I mean, we never had knock down drag out fights or anything but we would argue. We would get frustrated with one another and argue about stupid stuff. Now, we try to listen to one another and express our feelings, thoughts, and frustrations in a more calm manner.

Yesterday I went to the salon to get my hair cut and highlights and lowlights put back in (I love it!). My hair stylist knows that S and I have been TTC for a long time and that we had a miscarriage. The hair stylist that works beside her station also knew about it. So, when I went in yesterday my hair stylist said that the other stylist wanted to tell me something. She told me that she hoped I could find comfort in knowing that mine and S's baby was in heaven and that God, Jesus, and the Angels were taking care of them. Also, that we would meet our baby one day, that we would meet them in heaven. I did find comfort in this. It is something I myself have thought about. I think about our baby looking down on us, they are like our guardian angel. I know we will meet them again, someday. Someday we will hold them and hug them and kiss them. It's just really hard right now. After I was finished at the salon I had to go pick S up from work (the starter on his car gave out yesterday so I had to carry him to work and pick him up). On the drive home I was telling him about what the other stylist told me. He said he believed that too. That he knew, one day, whatever there was in the afterlife, we would meet our baby. He started crying and said that it still hurts him a lot. He said that just the day before he was driving home from work and he started humming "You Are My Sunshine" and before he realized it he was crying. I squeezed his hand and told him that I loved him and that we just needed to think about when we would meet our baby.

I am on CD22 today. My OPK's are getting darker, no positive yet though. So last night we were supposed to BD since the OPK's are getting darker. I started crying though. Losing our baby still hurts me so badly and to know that S is as affected by it as me hurts me even more. I don't want us to be sad all the time. I want us to live a long happy healthy life together. I want us to focus on the future, on the baby that is waiting for us, the baby we will have one day. I'm not saying that I want to forget our first baby, our jellybean. I will never forget them. They will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love them and think about them. After I started crying and finally calmed down enough to tell S why I was so upset, he just held me. He held me tight and didn't let go. It was nice.

Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor

I received my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks in the mail today. I ordered it off of cvs.com. They had it for $199.99 in the store but they had it on sale for $127.49 online. The test sticks were $49.99 in the store but they had them on sale for $37.49 online. I also received free shipping so I saved some money by purchasing this online instead of in the store. I am so excited to start using this next cycle.

I have been using OPK test strips since like a few months into S and I TTC. I use 2 different kinds of OPK test strips, Answer brand and the internet cheapies from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com. I have mainly used the internet cheapies because they really are so much cheaper. I've been buying them in bulk along with pregnancy tests. Honestly, there is no telling how much money I have spent on OPK's, HPT's, BBT thermometer, Clomid, Robitussin (more about that later), and bloodwork. And now $219 on the CBE fertility monitor and test sticks (I ordered 2 packages of 30 test sticks so I could get the cheaper price online). It will all be worth it in the end though when S and I are holding our little miracle in our arms.

I won't be able to start using the CBE fertility monitor until next cycle. I am currently on CD21, so I have about 2 weeks or so before next cycle begins. I should be O'ing soon. I've been taking OPK test strips since CD13. The past 2 days (CD19 and CD20) I have got test results that are nearly positive. When taking an OPK the test line must be as dark or darker than the control line. The past 2 days my test line has been nearly as dark as the control line so no positive yet this cycle. It does get kind of confusing taking the OPK test strips because it's like my test line is "nearly" as dark as the control line. It's supposed to be easier with the CBE fertility monitor because you don't have to look for a line that is as dark or darker than another line. It has a little display screen that shows your level of fertility - low, high, and peak. A low fertility reading means that you have a very small chance of conceiving. A high fertility reading means you have an increased chance of conceiving (I guess that is right before or right after you O?). A peak fertility reading means you have the highest chance of conceiving (that must be when you are O'ing?). You begin testing on or before CD5. Every morning you turn on the FM and if it will tell you if you need to take a test that day. If you do, you pee on a test stick and insert it in the FM. It will then display your fertility level. From what I have read, the FM will ask for a test 10-20 days during your cycle, I guess depending on your cycle length. It remembers your cycle information and I guess it becomes more accurate the more you use it. I'm really not sure yet, I'll figure it out better once I start using it. It says that it is for women that have a cycle length between 21 and 42 days. Mine have been averaging about 35 days. God, they used to be so long, like months and months. I'll update more about the CBE FM once I start using it. It would be really awesome to not even have to use the CBE FM next cycle.....meaning I get a BFP this cycle! I would not even be upset that I spent $200+ on this thing.

So the current TTC plan is.....finish this cycle, continue taking OPK test strips until I get a +, take an HPT 14dpo, if I don't get AF by CD50 call the doctor for an RX (provera to induce AF). Next cycle - start using the CBE FM on CD5, continue using it until it doesn't ask for anymore test sticks, BD on High and Peak fertility days, take an HPT 14dpo, if I don't get AF by CD50 call the doctor for an RX (provera to induce AF). I'll continue using the CBE FM for maybe the rest of this year. During that time I'm going to continue dieting, exercising, and losing weight. If we don't have a BFP by late fall I will be taking Clomid again. If I do have to take Clomid again I will try it for 6 cycles. If no BFP within that time we will try again on our own for another 3 cycles past the 6 Clomid cycles. After that, if no BFP, we are going to an RE, a specialist. I like having a plan.

Happy Valentine's Day

S carried me out to eat for Valentine's Day. The restaurant we were going to was about an hours drive away. It was nice to talk to S and not have any distractions as we drove to the restaurant. Somehow the conversation moved to us TTC, having a baby, and our miscarriage. S told me that after the miscarriage he heard from a lot of people that after having a miscarriage you may have an easier time getting pregnant immediately after. He said he was hopeful about this but that after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months had passed he kind of gave up on that hope. He said he wanted it to happen again right away and that maybe that would take some of the pain of our miscarriage away. He said he knew we would have a baby one day and that when we do have our baby he is going to spoil it rotten. I knew that his parents had a difficult time conceiving him and tried for many years. After they had him they learned they would not be able to have any more children. So, they spoiled him. They gave him everything they possibly could.

Sometimes TTC just hurts so bad. It's getting your hopes up for the millionth time only to be let down and disappointed again. It's like losing something over and over again, month after month. You grieve and mourn month after month. It's a vicious cycle that will send you on an emotional roller coaster ride. Plain and simple, it sucks. I think that people who have not personally been through this or experienced the emotions and pain attached with TTC, infertility, and miscarriage really can't fully understand the depth of pain you experience month after month. People don't know what to say to you. It's like TTC, infertility, and miscarriage are a taboo thing. You just don't talk about it. It's something you hide.

I hurt. S hurts. But we have each other. I am so happy with our life. I love S with all of my heart. He is my husband and my best friend. I appreciate the life we have together right now. But, it's like a baby would complete our life. It's not that my life in incomplete with S, it's just we want to advance our family, our relationship. We want to have a baby. We want to be parents. We want to share our lives with our child. We want to take that next step and complete our family.

I want to keep the faith that we will one day have our baby. I don't want to give up. It's hard sometimes. Really hard. I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again. I don't want S to be hurt and disappointed again. But I just can't give up. It's been 20 months of TTC, 8 rounds of Clomid, and 1 miscarriage but I just can't give up.

When I got my BFP last year and I was pregnant I was so so so very happy. My faith, my faith in God, my faith in life, had started to fade. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Then, a miracle. We had our BFP, we were going to have our baby. My faith was restored, 110%. I thanked God everyday for this blessing he had given us. Then, something I never thought would happen, we lost our baby, our miracle, the blessing God had given us. I didn't understand and I still don't understand how life or God could be so cruel. I never thought such a cruel thing would happen to us. I mean we had been TTC for over a year, taken numerous rounds of Clomid, and we were ready for a baby. Who would have thought that a miscarriage would be the next cruel joke life would throw at us.

I always say that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure of the reason S and I have had such a difficult time conceiving and I'm not sure why we had a miscarriage. It just doesn't seem fair. But, I really do believe there is a reason for everything, I just haven't learned what the reasons are for all the pain S and I have experienced during the past 2 years.

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 4

It's funny how your feelings about pregnancy can change in such a short period of time. With my first u/s appointment I was so happy and excited to get to see jellybean. The next u/s was a little more stressful because I was waiting to see if things had progressed. The third u/s was awful. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to hear the news that things were still not progressing and that our baby was not growing. I didn't want to lose our little miracle. We had wanted this for so very long, we had tried for this for so very long and now it could be taken away in the blink of an eye. I still had a glimmer of hope as I layed down for my 3rd u/s. Maybe the baby had grown...maybe everything was going to be okay. I wish that had of been the case but it wasn't. Things had not progressed since my last u/s. Actually the gestational sac was now measuring 6 weeks 0 days and was sitting lower in my uterus, about in the middle. There was no baby, no fetal pole, no heartbeat, no yolk sac. The baby had stopped developing at around 6 weeks. The u/s tech asked me again if I had experienced any bleeding. NO! I haven't had any bleeeding or spotting. I still felt pregnant why wasn't the baby growing? I didn't cry this time. I was numb. I didn't want to feel the hurt and pain I knew was growing inside of me, hurt and pain that was growing instead of our baby. I didn't want to feel like I was dying. The doctor spoke with S and I and said that things had not developed and I still had the choice of miscarrying naturally or having a D&C procedure. My body still thought I was pregnant. It did not realize that the baby had stopped developing. The doctor said it could be days or weeks before my body caught on to what was happening. I didn't want to wait. I don't like to wait. I didn't want to feel anxious everyday waiting for the bleeding to start. S was on vacation that week (some vacation, huh) so we choose the D&C procedure. S would be at home with me for the rest of the week. We would have time to spend together and mourn the loss of our baby. I was scheduled to come in the following morning and have the surgery.....

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 3

I was scheduled to come back in for my 3rd u/s on 2/6/09. S and I had been planning a trip to Atlanta, Georgia to see Metallica live in concert. Metallica is S's favorite band and they have grown on me too. We had planned this trip, bought the tickets, and reserved a hotel room weeks before we got our BFP. Now, with everything going on, we weren't sure if we should even go. We decided that it would be best to go to the concert and try to have a good time. We needed something to get our minds off of what was going on, off of the very strong possibility that we were losing our baby. The concert was on the night of 10/4/09. We arrived in Atlanta early that afternoon and checked into the hotel. I was tired and feeling sick, pregnancy symptoms that my body was producing. We took a nap and got up that night to get ready for the concert. I had been feeling sick the past few weeks and I would throw up sometimes. I knew it was a long car ride to Atlanta and back so I brought a SpiderMan popcorn bucket to be my "puke bucket". I am glad I brought that bucket. On the way to the concert I started feeling really nauseous. I grabbed the bucket and puked and puked and puked. S was driving on the interstate trying to find the concert venue and rubbing my back while I puked my guts up. It was a great time. After throwing up I felt better. We arrived to the concert and found our seats. The concert was great but I still felt horrible. I started feeling sick again during the concert so I sat down and enjoyed the rest of the concert in my seat. On the way back to the hotel I started being mean to S. I don't know why. No, I do know why. We were losing our baby and there was nothing either one of us could do about it. This sucked. It wasn't fair. I was sad. I was mad. I took it out on S that night. We got back to the hotel room and I layed down. S went outside to smoke (he quit smoking the beginning of this year, yay, I'm so proud of him). The flood gates were let down and I started crying. By the time S got back to the room I was bawling my eyes out, sobbing hysterically. S held me and comforted me all night. I didn't sleep well. I knew it was only 2 more days till we had our final u/s.....

Please don't take my sunshine away - Part 2

After I had dressed and partially compossed myself, I wiped my face off and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. S was standing there waiting on me. He looked like he was going to cry. He grabbed my hand. The u/s tech was finishing writing in my file. She then led us to a small conference room where we waited for the doctor. S never let go of my hand, he kept comforting me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I felt sick. I didn't want him to comfort me just then. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like a failure. I felt like this was my fault. How could S still love me? How could he not despise me right now? The doctor came in and said she was so sorry but things were not developing like they should. I didn't really hear a lot of what she said, I was dazed. I heard the words blighted ovum and miscarriage. She said that we could wait a week and come back in for a 3rd u/s before we made any decisions. My body did not recognize that the baby had stopped growing. My body thought I was still pregnant. I could wait it out and see if my body caught up with what was going on and I could miscarriage naturally at home. The doctor said I could also take a medicine to induce a miscarriage or I could have a D&C. She said given what all S and I had been through, how long we were TTC, that a D&C would probablly be the least painful, both physically and emotionally, between the 3 choices she offered. I didn't want to make any drastic decisions. I wanted to wait and have the 3rd u/s. I didn't want to give up hope just yet. I kept thinking "What if...". What if the u/s machine was broken? What if the u/s tech was wrong? What if my uterus is tipped or shaped funny and they couldn't get an accurate measurement and everything really was fine and the baby was growing just as it should. What if the baby was just growing slow and it would have a growth spurt soon and catch up. The doctor was sympathetic and kind to S and I. I didn't want to be in that room anymore. I didn't want to be near the doctor anymore. I didn't want to be anything or anywhere at that moment. S and I scheduled the next u/s appointment and left the doctor's office. I was devestated and heartbroken. S was being strong for me. I could tell he was upset, sad, disappointed. He held my hand all the way home. I just looked out the window, thinking. I felt sick, both literally and figuratively. My body still thought I was pregnant, it was still producing all the pregnancy related hormones and I was still having all the pregnancy related side effects. I was tired, my breasts were sore and tender, I got sick throughout the day, and I was an emotional wreck. I still had a glimmer of hope somewhere in me. I wasn't giving up on jellybean, not then, not ever.....

Please don't take my sunshine away

It has been a long time since I last posted on this blog. S and I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage. God, it hurts. I went for my first ultrasound on 9/22/10. According to my LMP I should have been 9 weeks 1 day. According to my EDC I should have been 7 weeks 6 days. The ultrasound was showing that I was 6 weeks 1 day. I was so upset and worried. The ultrasound technician said that I may have had my dates off (I knew I didn't because of taking OPK's and timing our BD sessions). I was to come back in a week for a follow-up ultrasound. The u/s tech asked me if I had had any bleeding. I was shocked that she asked me this. If I had had any bleeding wouldn't I have mentioned that? Wouldn't I have called the doctor's office and told them about that? Wouldn't I have rushed to the ER? I told the u/s tech that no I had not had any bleeding or spotting. Was she already giving up on jellybean?

Moma went with me to my first ultrasound but I was really glad that S got to go with me for the next one. I went for the 2nd ultrasound on 9/30/10. That was the longest wait ever. I was so worried, upset, and anxious. Just not knowing what was going on was agonizing. For the 2nd u/s I was measuring 6 weeks 2 days, the baby had grown by 1 day. Something was definitely wrong. When I saw the screen I knew before the u/s tech said anything. It looked the same as the previous week. The u/s tech asked me if I had had any bleeding. I wasn't really shocked that she asked me this time. I knew from the screen that the baby was not growing. I told her no that I had not had any bleeding or spotting at all. S was holding my hand when the u/s tech told me that things were not developing as they should, he squeezed my hand hard. I was pushing back the tears and then, I couldn't hold them back anymore. A flood of tears streamed down my face. The u/s tech gave me tissues and S squeezed my hand even harder and told me that he loved me. I went to the restroom to put my clothes back on and compose myself. I couldn't believe this was happening.....